Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Jacob Wrestles With God


Jacob Wrestles With God

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives [I thought God defined the sacred institution of marriage as being between 1 man and 1 woman. What the fuck? Did the Republicans miss this part?], his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok.

23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

O.K. So he was moving. And all of a sudden somebody shows up and start wrestling him and this goes on all night. Seriously? This shit just happens?

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

Ah! The famous Vulcan Hip Grip! Sounds like something I should know!

26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING about this conversation makes any fucking sense.

"I mugged you. But you have to let me go now because the sun is rising."

"No. Not until you you wish me well, mugger and weird wrestler."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [
e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

So, I just beat Allmighty, all powerful God in a mano a mano rasslin' match, and all I get out of it is a new name that he gets to pick?

I just kicked God's ass! I think I get whatever the fuck I want!

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

This makes no fucking sense.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

Jacob's life wasn't "spared". By all accounts he kicked God's ass and took God's name!

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [g] and he was limping because of his hip.

Ouch! My hip hurts. Because I just beat up God. I be limpin' a little bit.

32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

Yeah. That makes perfect fucking sense.

The Bible is nothing but a bunch of GOONBABBLE and FAIRY TALES!

The Harry Potter books make more sense and are more consistent.

Anything written by Tolkein is more appealing and more coherent in the narrative than any book of the Bible.

The fact that there are elected politicians, with great power, who go to extreme lengths to reassure the electorate that they believe these stories is frightening.

9 comments:

dangerousdaisy said...

OMFG. I love you. Will you have my chldren?

(Don't panic, that's some effed translation from that sack of crap called the Bible, too.)

Fun, fun!

Doc said...

you know, when i get in one of those moods, i usually reread the Travis McGee series, or Flashman, or even(a dangeous sign)Vachss' Burke...

but the Bible?

is an intervention necessary?

Xavier Onassis said...

dangerousdaisy - Luv U, Mean It!

Doc - Funny you should mention Flashman. I'm reading the series for the very first time even as we speak. I'm currently on "Flash for Freedom".

And I'm putting the bible away. "Teh Stoopid! It BURNS!!!"

Le Grand Lapin said...

No intervention, this an important service - XO's Annotated Bible. It'll be a best-seller.

Doc said...

you'll absolutely love Flashman.

besides being flat out hilarious(i swear i love Fraiser's footnotes more that Wallace's) the mix of historical fact throught the series is fascinating...

one day, one day...

p.s. - bibles, especially the older prints, with their wafer pages, do burn beautifully in the fireplace...

Xavier Onassis said...

doc - I'm on a Flashman binge. Determined to read them all, back to back, in sequence before I allow myself to be distracted by anything else.

The particular copy of the bible I quoted from dates back some 30 years and the cover is perforated with dart holes. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

The depth of your fury with religion and God is almost a religion in itself. You seem to seek it out. I would ask you why bother to even write about it? If I really despise something that much, I leave it alone - I push it far, far away. Have the Jehovah's Witnesses been beating down your door or something?

Hey it's your blog, your convictions, your life. I wouldn't pretend that anything that I say would make a hill of beans of difference. So, other than the above curiosity, that's all folks.

Anonymous said...

Anything YOU don't understand must be sheer babble, oh wise one.

Anonymous said...

you have to read the context of the book, then you can give opinions, don't worry you will understand, check for inductive bible study, so you know the cultural setting of the book and the beginning and the end of the story, who knows it may be the first time you can wrestle to get to know your father.

cheers bro