I have a birthday coming up. September 16th. I will be 54 years old and I think it's about time that I fulfilled my destiny and became the Super Villian I was meant to be.
It occurred to me that I am being rude to my readers by not giving you sufficient notice of things that I would like to receive as birthday presents to give you time to get them for me.
Again, this isn't about me, it's about you. Trying to save you that last minute scramble and having to rob from Peter to pay Paul or go further into debt just to get me something nice.
I know, I know. I'm selfless like that. Always have been! Call it a character flaw. And you're welcome.
So here is my gift registry.
The first thing I will need is a Lair. All Super Villians have Lairs. This is the one I want.
1. Necker Island
"Necker Island is located in the British Virgin Islands, 2 km north of the northeastern flank of Virgin Gorda. Sir Richard Branson purchased Necker Island more than 25 years ago.Â
Totally private, Necker island has only one residence, a magnificent villa of breathtaking Balinese design. Necker can accommodate up to 28 guests and can be booked as a complete private package, or for certain weeks of the year the villas and rooms can be rented individually.
Previously uninhabited, Necker has now been developed into a superb private hideaway, now with several buildings including the Great House, five Balinese villas, a spa and a beach pavilion.
The Great House, an airy Balinese villa, has 9 bedrooms including a Master Suite. All rooms have balconies and stunning ocean views. Amidst the tropical flora and fauna you’ll find 5 Bali houses. Each alfresco style house has several tiers and access to a pool.
Varied amenities include a barbecue, two whirlpools, a lighted tennis court and three beaches. The magnificent freshwater pool features a cascade set amid boulders, and lounge chairs beckon nappers."
Of course, I'll need a way to get there! Duh!
2. The Oculus
"The interior features of Oculus focus on a 12 foot high ceiling in the main salon, a cylindrical double height dining room, central stair and elevator tube, and seemingly anatomical ceiling and floor lighting extensions giving definition to the seating areas.
The second level is the dedicated Owner’s suite. Living areas and bedchambers are divided by a series of four freestanding tubes, which house bath and storage necessities.
In addition to the main common stair, the second Owner’s stair connects to the third level aft private salon and deck / water feature.
The third level also contains the forward pilothouse and separate captain’s quarters. The generous open decks with separate water features are located forward and aft for convenient guest use."
Once there, I'll need something to do.
3. Deep Flight Super Falcon
"Super Falcon has a state of the art fly‐by‐wire flight control system (finger tip). Pitch, roll, and yaw flight are controlled by micro‐controllers and are connected through to powerful electro‐mechanical actuators that manage rudders, elevators and ailerons – all identical to our 37,000 foot Deep Flight Challenger.
Super Falcon also raises the bar with its highly advanced piloting and navigational and life support electronics, which includes a head’s‐up combined graphics navigation and flight display ‐‐ all quite familiar to military pilots – but a first for privately‐owned submersibles.
Another first is the navigation module which includes an on‐board computerized track plot that enables the pilot to mark way points and will guide the sub back to its launch point etc.
Deep Flight Super Falcon is incomparable to other submersibles in terms of safety, comfort and experience. The sub can provide its owner with a graceful, balletic flight beneath the waves, but has the performance for, among other things, barrel‐rolling with dolphins, spy‐hopping with whales, or searching for sunken galleons."
Of course traveling over the ocean can be so tedious. You can't go very fast, and let's face it, the ocean stinks because fish fuck in it. No one wants to smell that.
Sometimes, I need to get places fast. So I need my own plane.
4. XO One
"...special cylindrical elevator that comes out of the bottom of the plane...relaxation comes from a steam room, Turkish bath, concert hall (with a baby grand piano) or in one of the five private quarters, complete with king size beds. Less fortunate guests will have to spend the night in one of the 20 "normal" first class sleeper suites...the "well being" room has a floor made from a giant screen, showing what the plane is flying over."
I'm particularly fond of the "Well being room".
This is how XO rolls.
Of course, once XO One lands, I can't be rolling out of the onboard garage in a Ford Fuckus! I need an XO-worthy ride. And that can only be...
5. Bugatti Veyron
"A W-16 engine that can produce 1,001 horsepower
A top speed of 250+ mph (400+ kph)
A zero-to-60 time of three seconds
A zero-to-180 time of 14 seconds
A price tag somewhere in the $1.2 million range
A dual clutch system
A paddle-driven, computer-controlled shifting system
At maximum power, the engine is consuming 45,000 liters of air per minute.
At maximum power, the engine is burning 1.33 gallons of gasoline per minute and needs to dissipate all of that heat through its radiators.
The engine has four valves per cylinder, for a total of 64 valves.
It has a dry sump lubrication system borrowed from Formula 1 race cars, along with an intricate internal oil path to ensure proper lubrication and cooling within the 16 cylinders.
It has electronically controlled, continuously variable cam timing to create optimal performance at different engine rpm settings.
It has a massive radiator to deal with all of the waste heat that burning 1.33 gallons of gasoline per minute can generate."
"The Bugatti Veyron is a car built around an engine. Essentially, Bugatti made the decision to blow the doors off the supercar world by creating a 1,000-horsepower engine. Everything else follows from that resolution."
"The interior is swathed almost completely in leather -- the dash, seats, floor and sides are all leather. Only the instruments and a few metal trim pieces interrupt the leather experience."
I just can't decide on a paint scheme.
Should I go with a classic black and red Batmobile style?
Or should I go with a more modern, anodized red and gold Iron Man look?
Oh, one last thing.
I need a Lex Luthor costume.