Friday, August 14, 2009

Rewriting Ad Copy

An ex girlfriend, like most of my ex girlfriends, became a lifelong good friend (so much better in so many ways).

Her parents have a very nice mobile home. They are wanting to sell it and move to a maintenance free rental. Ya know. Like me. I'm such a trend setter!

They don't have computers or digital cameras or internet access. But someone told them there was a web site where they could "sell their mobile home on the internet".

So I'm trying to help them out. My ex gf's sister wrote an ad for their them. Here it is.

"16 x 80 mobile home for sale. 2 bedrooms, 2 baths. Master bedroom has separate master bath with double vanity, shower & new jacuzzi. Second full bath has new bathtub and shower. Large kitchen with oak cabinets + large living room. Cathedral ceilings throughout. Kitchen appliances like new. 3 outdoor sheds for storage. Privacy fence on part of lot & deck. Car port for 2 cars. New roof, siding, carpet & hot water heater. Beautiful, a must see. Call 816-XXX-XXXX."

*****

I took 10 pictures of the place and rewrote the ad, but I could use some professional second opinions.

HOME FOR SALE BY OWNER

Beautiful 1280 square foot, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, manufactured home with large living room and cathedral ceilings available!

FEATURES

Car Port for 2 cars



Wheelchair Accessible



Modern kitchen & appliances with lots of oak storage and central cooking island




Master bathroom has double vanity,



A shower and new jacuzzi



Second full bath has new bathtub and shower

Small, flat, easily maintainable yard with a privacy fence.



3 outdoor sheds for storage
Deck with dual fenced pet gates
New Roof
New siding
New carpet
New hot water heater

Priced to sell! Call 816-XXX-XXXX. to arrange an appointment with the owner.

Opinions? Feedback?

8 comments:

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Pretty good ad but I'd want to see pictures of the living room and master bedroom.

Also, describe the location of the mobile home park. What city? Is the mobile home park big, small, nice, well maintained, etc.?

Xavier Onassis said...

JOOLS - Good points. I have those pictures, not sure why I didn't include them.

The mobile home park is in Independence, fairly large and includes a swimming pool and a fishing pond. I should definitely include those details.

Also ceiling fans throughout.

Thanks!

Poodles said...

That's a pretty nice place. Especially for a mobile home. You should also add if it is in a tornado free zone or not. :P

Spyder said...

"and cathedral ceilings available!" You may want to restructure that sentence. It sounds like the cathedral ceilings are an option.

emawkc said...

That phone number doesn't work, must've been a typo.

Midtown Miscreant said...

lot rent? Good luck to them as far as selling it goes. When you can buy a real stick house on a real foundation at bargain rates, most people arent going to buy a trailer house, which are a bitch to finance, plus pay lot fees. They might want to consider owner finance or renting it.

Josh Peck said...

Car port for 2 cars should show 2 cars, not 4.

Just my $0.02.

reems said...

Hey, nice site you have here! Keep up the excellent work!
mobile home sale