Tuesday, October 27, 2009

An Untold Story Chapter 4 - The End

Becky hadn't been returning my emails over the last few weeks because she wasn't getting them.

She was spending most of her time in the hospital, fighting for her life.

The Interferon treatments she was taking to destroy the Hep C were making her so sick and causing so much collateral damage to her body that her doctors took her off the treatments and spent 5 weeks just trying to bring her back to relative health.

The worst part of all of this was, the treatments didn't work.

After all she had been through over the last 10 months, she still had the Hep C.

It was incurable, it would keep attacking her liver until she got sick enough to get on a transplant list. That's what she had to look forward to.

But wait...it actually DOES get worse.

Part of the collateral damage that the toxic cocktail of treatments caused was to change her brain chemistry.

She had now been diagnosed as being bi-polar. Long term side effect.

She was going to counseling for depression.

She didn't want to take any meds for the bi-polar because of her experience taking meds for the Hep C. She didn't trust them. She's looking at natural, holistic approaches.

She says she'll come over to see me.

Much to my surprise, I wasn't entirely sure how I feel about that.

I mean, I hadn't seen her since sometime in April or May. It was now late September. At that point, I honestly didn't know what I wanted to happen. I loved her, I missed her, I still wanted us to be together. I think. But there had been so much time and distance between us. I'm not sure how you recover from that.

So she comes over

We sit and talk and everything seems...oddly normal.

We snuggle on the couch, we talk, we get caught up. I tell her I love her, she tells me she loves me.

She's devastated to realize that she completely missed my birthday. She says "You realize that with everything going on I would have missed my own birthday?" I laughed and reassured her that I understand, it's OK, no big deal.

She says she still doesn't have a phone and probably won't get one for another couple of months. She has some seemingly rational reasons for this.

We promise we'll try to do a better job of staying in touch and communicating.

We hug and kiss goodbye, and she leaves. I feel so much better! It feels like we might actually make it through this.

That was the last time I ever saw her or spoke to her.

She never returned another email.

Not even when I offered to take her out for her 50th birthday.

Obviously, she had been pushing me away for months and I just wasn't getting it. I thought we just needed to communicate better. But in retrospect, she had been communicating very clearly for a long time. I was just too stupid to realize it.

I still think about her almost every day. I wonder if she is OK. I wonder if she's on a transplant list. I wonder if she's even still alive. I have no way of knowing.

I suppose I could have made some Grand Dramatic Gesture to try to resolve things, but all of those options seemed kind of "over the top" and border-line stalkerish.

She clearly didn't need or want me in her life any more. That's her call.

I've never been one to "fight" for a relationship. If both people aren't in the relationship, then there's no relationship to fight for.

But some closure would have been nice.

I've been in a LOT of relationships and all of them eventually ended. I believe that all relationships have a natural lifespan. Nothing lasts forever. But I've always known how and when the relationships ended.

"Hey, XO. I've never mentioned this before, but you're kinda of a douchey fucking bastard with a tiny dick and I don't really like you. Never have. I'm outta here."

"XO, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just come right out with it. I've met someone else. We're in love. I'm sorry. Goodbye."

"Hey buddy, it's been fun, but I'm done. Thanks for all the fucks. See ya, wouldn't wanta be ya!"

But I've never had a relationship that just...evaporated.

When you are in the middle of emotional dynamics like that, it's more difficult than you might think to look at things objectively as a disinterested, outside observer might see things.

If you leave an open container of water sitting on the counter, that water is going to evaporate and eventually that container will be empty.

You can't actually see the water evaporating. The day to day change in the container is barely noticeable, yet the end is inevitable.

Emptiness.

A once full vessel that held so much promise, is now inexplicably empty, coated with the dusty residue of what once was.

10 comments:

m.v. said...

It's still a cool story.I don't know if the "tiny dick" or "I've met someone else" endings are that much better.All endings suck.

Spyder said...

In some way I have to respect her for not using you while she was sick. But she should have just written you an email if she couldn't do it face to face saying it was done. Hugs...

wrytir said...

Without a doubt, that's the most honest journey I've read on the Web. I've checked in on your site now and again (not often enough), and somehow I've missed these installments. Thanks to VV on Tw for bringing them to my attention.

Despite the tumult of the topic, you have great skills in relating a very human story. I know not the contents of a potential fifth episode, presumed to be entitled, "Closure," but I am confident that it will be equally moving.

I truly appreciate you being real out here. Your serial is rare and refreshing to read, despite the outcome. This journey of yours crushes familiar boundaries of fingers on keys and reaches beyond ...

Again, your telling of this experience is moving. Thanks for sharing.

...JustCara said...

I say this with all sincerity - if she is truly bipolar, and especially if she's not taking meds, she did you a favor by cutting ties. It's an insidious disease that brings down not only the person who has it but their whole support system. My family is in tatters because of a bipolar family member, and I'm the only one in the family with the stomach to handle the mood swings and erratic, self-destructive behaviors. It's slowly destroying me as well, and it would have destroyed you too.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I guess I should assume that you are certain that she really was in the hospital fighting for her life, that she was diagnosed as bipolar because of the meds, etc., but how do you really know this since you didn't see her or even talk to her for months? Did you talk to her sons? Where did you get that information? How are you sure it was all true? I know someone who went through those treatments, fortunately successfully, and I do know this person spent months on the couch or in bed because she could do little else, but I just can't get by my suspicions with Becky.

All that aside, she left your life despite your love and patience. I guess the best that can be said is what if this had happened after you had married, established a home together, etc? Would she have walked out on your marriage and shattered your life even more than she already has? So, if it was going to happen, I'm glad it happened before you became Mr. and Mrs.

This was one of the most intense and well written stories I have ever read from a blogger. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. I hope by so doing that it has helped you as well.

Nick said...

I’ve lost 2 good friends and a sister to hep c in the last 5 years. I can say, without fear of exaggeration, that interferon drives people insane as well as suicidal more often than not.

Sometimes these effects can be slightly ameliorated via auxiliary chemicals, though this is actually rare.

A hep c victim on interferon is analogous to a late stage syphilitic: to expect them to own their emotions, much less account for others’, is childish. They’re constantly ingesting near lethal doses of a toxin they know is BORGing their brain in a desperate bid at life.

Step outside of yourself.

Poodles said...

My father in law is bipolar. And when he isn't taking his meds he is a violent crazy. Him not taking his meds is the reason I get to go baby sit my mother in law (who hates me) now so much. Hep C is a shitty disease compounded by the bipolar, I'm with Justcara, you may have loved her and miss her, but be grateful you don't have to deal with the bipolar. SUCKS ASS!

Xavier Onassis said...

Thank you all for reading/listening.

I needed to get this out of my system and I appreciate your patience.

I don't anticipate having anything else to say about the situation.

It's ancient history and I have moved on.

Midtown Miscreant said...

well told.

KC Sponge said...

I love reading your stories - almost as much as I like to listen to them...
Here's to broken hearts.