Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Oh No He Di'n't!

It appears that Alonzo Washington took issue with me referring to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in my last post.

Jeez Louise! So sensitive! I thought Crime Fighters were tougher than that!

Superman wouldn't get all pissy if somebody called HIM names.

Now Batman, on the other hand, will break his cock off in your busted up ass if you go talkin' shit about him! Motherfucker's got some anger issues!

But I know Batman. Batman's a friend of mine. And you, Alonzo, are no Batman.

Anyway, Alonzo decided to Take Me To Task on his (ahem) "blog" on MySpace (tee hee).


You see, in the blogosphere, there is a Gentleman's Agreement. One does not copy someone else's intellectual property and paste it on their own site. Well, except for pictures, videos, music, porn...

But I digress.

The Rules of The Information Super Highway suggest that the correct thing to do is to provide a hyperlink back to the source of the content you are referencing. Like this. If you do that, you may engage in a little Fair Use sampling of the content.

But this motherfucker copies my ENTIRE POST, pictures and all, and just pasted it on to his piece of shit MySpace page!


Now, why would I refer to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in the first place and risk incurring His Wrath?

Let's look at what he had to say and see if we can figure this one out.

"Here is a blog about violence from one of my many haters that I have never met. You know the guys who talk crap from their blogs for no reason other than to try to cash in on my spotlight."

Guffaw! Your "spotlight"! Don't you mean candlelight? Because that solves everything, right? Candlelight vigils.

"This cat is talking about how there is no such thing as random violence and he may be right. Because if he keeps using my name on his blog and I SEE THIS COWARD I MAY KICK HIS @$s."

Ahahahahahaha! I'm a fearless man, Alonzo! I'm not scared of you or anyone else. I have powers far beyond those of mortal men!

To his credit, Alonzo quickly backpedaled from the violence angle.

"Nah! This country f*ck is not worth it. Violence is never the answer. Let this be a lesson to all the kids who watch me. I never try to fight cowards with big mouths from a distant. I have thousands of them. If these people really wanted some drama they would say what they had to say to me face to face. Cats like this don't have the balls to do anything like that."

:: sigh ::

Dude, I will be more than happy to tell you you are a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" to your face. Kind of an awkward scenario for a first meeting, but whatevies.

What are you going to do? Hit me? Stab me? Shoot me? Wouldn't assaulting me kind of blow the whole "Crime Fighter" fantasy thing you have going on?

The worst thing you could do to me and stay out of jail would be to throw me a "stern look" and a give me a "serious talking to". Bring it BITCH!

Oh, and before I forget, "country fuck"?!? Dude, I only lived in Ray County for like 7 years out of 54! At best, I'm a "recovering country fuck". Appreciate it if you climbed down outta my ass about the "country" shit.

I'll have you know that at my core, I'm a debonair, sophisticated, urbane metro-sexual.

But once again, I digress.

Let's wrap this shit up. I have laundry to do and a pizza to make.

"However, if they do it is best to avoid a fight. However, if they touch you make them regret it. That's what I do and that's why no one touches me. Read what this jerk had to say about violence. The blog is not bad until he mentions my name. It seems like all the White bloggers attack me for no reason. I collect tips on murder victims of all races. I wonder why these people love putting me in their blogs. They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter. So keep hating. Your hate only make me work harder and that makes haters more jealous."

Dude, starting two sentences in a row with "However" is bad form. Dude, you need an editor. But I could use an editor too. No shame. I use the word "just" too much. The first step is just admitting you have a problem. Oops.

"I collect tips on murder victims of all races."

And here we get to the crux of the matter.

You like to call your self a "Crime Fighter", like you are really Omega Man or something.

But all you fucking do is collect tips!

You're not a detective, are you? You don't have any investigative or law enforcement training, do you? Do you apply deductive reasoning to possible scenarios, motives and suspects who might be involved in a particular crime to arrive at the most likely conclusion?

Do you take fingerprints? Do you have a DNA lab? Do you perform autopsies? Do you collect evidence? Do you interrogate people?

No. You collect fucking tips.

There is an 800 number that "collects tips".

The Ad Hoc Group Against Crime "collects tips".

So, Alonzo, what is it, exactly, that you bring to the "crime fighting" table that no one else brings?

What possible basis can you have for being so full of yourself that you can make bold, self-serving, self-promoting, useless statements like this:

"They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter."

Seriously, Alonzo?

If you REALLY want to make a difference, if you REALLY want to be a Crimefighter, you should be Johnny On The Spot at every crime scene encouraging the crime victims to snitch like a motherfucker!

Fuck a bunch of candlelight vigils and BIG CASH MONEY for anonymous "tips".

If you are serious about fighting crime, convince the victims to cooperate with the police. Give descriptions. Give up names and addresses. Identify perps in line-ups. Testify in court and put some criminal motherfuckers in JAIL!

If you start doing that, I will be your biggest champion! I will mention you and link to you as often as I can.

But if all you are going to do is passively collect tips and try to convince people you are all that and a bag of chips? Fuck you.

You want to fight crime? Pay somebody to create a REAL BLOG for you, because that MySpace abomination of yours is a fucking crime against The Internet.

It takes longer to load your website than it does to solve a murder!

At the next annual meeting of "The Man" at a secure, undisclosed location somewhere deep under the mountains of Switzerland, I may have to petition Al Gore and Vint Cerf to officially SANCTION you!

From a purely technological standpoint, content and intent aside, your "blog" is the most horrendous, RAM hogging, useless piece of shit I have ever linked to.

Jesus Fucking Christ man, there are people with mad internet skillz who can fix that shit.

Pay 'em. Do it.

Peace out, Girl Scout!


"The D" said...

I've lived in this town for 35+ years and I have never heard of this Alonzo dude.

Is he another one of those media whores? If he is he's doing a lousy job of it.

GB, RN said...

Rule Number One of the Feeding and Care of Trolls is DON'T FEED THEM!

(But I totes agree with the MySpace sentiment...MySpace sucks big donkey dicks.)

Xavier Onassis said...

The D - Yes. He is.

GB - I know, I know. What can I say? I was bored. I'm over it now.

Drunk-Monkey said...

Alonzo hasn't done a comic book in 10-15 years, I think it's time to let that title go

Nick said...

hilarious, but GB is right: ignore.

i did that a couple years ago with lil' Anotnia and she just simply disappeared...

Faith said...

"I'll have you know that at my core, I'm a debonair, sophisticated, urbane metro-sexual."

This is shockingly true. I never expected you to be like you are in real life.

I'm still trying to make sense out of his apparently having "thousands of" cowards to fight. Or did he mean he has "thousands of" big mouths? Doubtless he meant that he has "thousands of" kids who watch him! (And where are they doing this watching? On MySpace? Is anyone even ON MySpace anymore?)

This whole thing has given me a giggle this morning. Very appreciative of that, regardless of the troll-feeding that's happening. ::tips hat to XO::

Bull E. Vard said...

First off, I don't really care about Alonzo Washington and I'm certainly not going to defend him. I mean really, who still has a MySpace blog? That's ludicrous.

What I do have a problem with is your statist attitudes. It started with the previous post when you seemed to indicate, I believe with point #7, that carrying a gun in an RV is reason enough for cops to kill you. I hate to tell you this, but, most RV owners have guns in their vehicle for a very practical reason, protection. Also, and I'm positive the RV guys are kind of dickish, asserting your rights is not a good enough reason for the police to shoot you.

You mentioned in this post that talking to the police is the best way to get crimes solved. But, for some people, talking to the police is the quickest way to fuck up your life. The police have a lot of power and they will use every bit of it to get you to tell them what they want to hear. Talking to the police voluntarily, for some people, is scary business.

People respond to incentives and the people most afraid of the police have every reason in the world to fear them. The police have rightly or wrongly imprisoned their friends and neighbors, have beaten their friends and neighbors and have threatened their friends and neighbors. Why would you voluntarily talk to someone who has that much power over your life?

The police respond to incentives as well. Their job is to solve the crime. Ruining a life in the process is sometimes necessary to solve that crime. They're not going to think twice about using any leverage they can to get a witness to tell them what they want. So why would you come forward if you've seen the police fuck over so many of your friends and neighbors?

If Alonzo Washington provides people an outlet to come forward and say what they know about a crime, good for him. If he's seen as a dick to hip suburban white guys in the process, well I guess that's the price of doing business. Some people feel the same way about the police.

BTW, I do agree with you about the RV guys. One of the most dangerous things to do in the United States is to assert your rights to a police officer. You seem to think this is a good thing, but I think that it is tragic. Our Bill of Rights doesn't seem to mean much anymore because a lot more people (mostly Fox News viewers and Sarah Palin fans) agree with you and not me.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Faith - have you noticed in past posts how fastidious XO is - I mean this guy presses his pants every Sunday night, changes his bed sheets at the same hour of the day on specific days, and I would bet you would never find one dirty dish left in the sink unless he was dead drunk which I think he probably never is. Oh - and I just remembered that new rug he got to go under his coffee table which keeps the crumbs from hitting the

Metrosexual, urbane, sophisticated, indeed !

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Just having a little fun, by the way ;-)

Faith said...

"So why would you come forward if you've seen the police fuck over so many of your friends and neighbors?"

Meh, it's a vicious cycle, IMO. Maybe the police wouldn't fuck so many people over if those people would just stop being so ridiculously careless in the way they treat their lives, and the lives of others. Killing for drugs, vendetas, because it's Tuesday and that's the day for's all fucking stupid. And I don't blame the cops one bit for their frustration with having to deal with it. Just the same as I don't blame the "friends and neighbors" for being cautious about coming forward with information, for fear of how it might "fuck up" their lives.

Cause and affect. What came first, the chicken or the egg? In this case, I'd say it's the chicken, hands down.

Xavier Onassis said...

Jools - I know you're just having fun!

Bull E. Vard - You seem to think that challenging armed police officers with constitutional arguments is a smart thing to do. I disagree. If you have a case to argue, take it to court. That's where those things get decided, not on the street.

As for the R.V. douchebags, I contend that travelling around the country TRYING to be be confronted by the police just so you can defy them and make a big deal out of it online is juvenille and assinine.

The situations that they go out of their way to concoct and fabricate rarely occur to regular citizens. They FORCE the situation by being dicks.

They aren't revolutionaries or freedom fighters. They're douche nozzles and attention whores.

Just like Alonzo.

Xavier Onassis said...

Faith - Glad I made you chuckle! This was all about having some fun. I don't actually give a flying fuck one way or another about Alonzo. I just needed to get back to blogging and he was an easy target.

Old Fart said...

LMAO. I ignored your mention of the MHD crew in your earlier post because you have a very limited view of how citizens and government agents should interact. Citizens should be subserviant to government is the basic premise of everything political you write.

Fortunately, it was guys like the MHD crew running around this country in the 1770's and not guys like XO.

Bull E. Vard said...

XO, I agree that in some situations making a constitutional argument to the police is a losing proposition. But, if you consent to a search or consent to let them in your home without a warrant, the jig is up if you're in court. You've already lost because you waived your rights. Now where the police do people wrong is by bullying civilians precisely because they do have guns and know exactly how to push your buttons. They're trained to do it. They view you as a criminal. I don't see any value in volunteering to help the police. By waiving your rights to a policeman you are only helping the police put you in jail especially if you have something, anything, to hide.

As for the RV guys, I don't think they're looking to cause confrontations, but I don't know. I do know the one case where they were actually arrested was a bunch of BS and the police should be ashamed of themselves. Asserting your rights should be common practice among civilians rather than the I don't have anything to hide so I'll waive my rights mentality we currently have.

Al said...

Fantastic rant, XO.

Alonzo is way more than a fucktard, he's a loser of the highest caliber.

This quote from this total asshole says it all:

"Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter."

Xavier Onassis said...

Bull E. Vard - We may be approaching some common ground.

Would I allow the police to search me, my home, my car or my house just because they asked me? Fuck no! Go get a warrant.

But would I go on some self-promoting road trip intentionally putting myself in legal jeopardy looking to force a confrontation with local cops to prove a point?

Fuck. No.

That's just stupid. And expensive. That's like a job ccreation program for lawyers.

Xavier Onassis said...

Old Fart - Oh please! You're comparing an RV full of beligerent, self-serving, self-promoting, confrontational, juvinille fucktards to Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and George Washington?


They're more like 2nd string contestants competing to be on Jerry Springer.

Christina said...

I LOVE the rant against AW. I feel he has the ability to 'do good' but is so busy self promoting, and race baiting, and patting himself on the back that he doesn't do a damn thing that he could do. Oh wait, he DID help with the Precious Doe case, when the police wouldn't listen to the girl's grandpa. But even the sun shines on a dog's a$$ once in awhile (well not in KC. We don't have sun here anymore...but I digress...). That's quite a little 'circle' of AW, TB and HC, who spend as much time promoting themselves or doing their 'woe is me' posts. :)

And yeah, "AW"...your myspace blog is the worst possible way to go. Even a monkey could use (and by monkey I mean monkey. I can see this coming.... No reference to color. I didn't intend it as racist, so I'm not going to change because you or TB are gonna get your panties in a wad about me being racist. You don't even know what color *I* am. So shut up about it.)

Anonymous said...

Alonzo claims he doesn't get a dime for his "efforts"?

He received a free Ford Edge from a local car dealership and a free moped from another dealership.

That's about $30,000 in free items Alonzo has received for his personal use.

He's a douchebag of the highest degree.

He's either too stupid or too arrogant, or both, to realize how this town laughs at him.