It appears that Alonzo Washington took issue with me referring to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in my last post.
Jeez Louise! So sensitive! I thought Crime Fighters were tougher than that!
Superman wouldn't get all pissy if somebody called HIM names.
Now Batman, on the other hand, will break his cock off in your busted up ass if you go talkin' shit about him! Motherfucker's got some anger issues!
But I know Batman. Batman's a friend of mine. And you, Alonzo, are no Batman.
Anyway, Alonzo decided to Take Me To Task on his (ahem) "blog" on MySpace (tee hee).
He starts by STEALING MY FUCKING CONTENT!
You see, in the blogosphere, there is a Gentleman's Agreement. One does not copy someone else's intellectual property and paste it on their own site. Well, except for pictures, videos, music, porn...
But I digress.
The Rules of The Information Super Highway suggest that the correct thing to do is to provide a hyperlink back to the source of the content you are referencing. Like this. If you do that, you may engage in a little Fair Use sampling of the content.
But this motherfucker copies my ENTIRE POST, pictures and all, and just pasted it on to his piece of shit MySpace page!
I THOUGHT STEALING WAS A CRIME!
Now, why would I refer to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in the first place and risk incurring His Wrath?
Let's look at what he had to say and see if we can figure this one out.
"Here is a blog about violence from one of my many haters that I have never met. You know the guys who talk crap from their blogs for no reason other than to try to cash in on my spotlight."
Guffaw! Your "spotlight"! Don't you mean candlelight? Because that solves everything, right? Candlelight vigils.
"This cat is talking about how there is no such thing as random violence and he may be right. Because if he keeps using my name on his blog and I SEE THIS COWARD I MAY KICK HIS @$s."
Ahahahahahaha! I'm a fearless man, Alonzo! I'm not scared of you or anyone else. I have powers far beyond those of mortal men!
To his credit, Alonzo quickly backpedaled from the violence angle.
"Nah! This country f*ck is not worth it. Violence is never the answer. Let this be a lesson to all the kids who watch me. I never try to fight cowards with big mouths from a distant. I have thousands of them. If these people really wanted some drama they would say what they had to say to me face to face. Cats like this don't have the balls to do anything like that."
:: sigh ::
Dude, I will be more than happy to tell you you are a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" to your face. Kind of an awkward scenario for a first meeting, but whatevies.
What are you going to do? Hit me? Stab me? Shoot me? Wouldn't assaulting me kind of blow the whole "Crime Fighter" fantasy thing you have going on?
The worst thing you could do to me and stay out of jail would be to throw me a "stern look" and a give me a "serious talking to". Bring it BITCH!
Oh, and before I forget, "country fuck"?!? Dude, I only lived in Ray County for like 7 years out of 54! At best, I'm a "recovering country fuck". Appreciate it if you climbed down outta my ass about the "country" shit.
I'll have you know that at my core, I'm a debonair, sophisticated, urbane metro-sexual.
But once again, I digress.
Let's wrap this shit up. I have laundry to do and a pizza to make.
"However, if they do it is best to avoid a fight. However, if they touch you make them regret it. That's what I do and that's why no one touches me. Read what this jerk had to say about violence. The blog is not bad until he mentions my name. It seems like all the White bloggers attack me for no reason. I collect tips on murder victims of all races. I wonder why these people love putting me in their blogs. They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter. So keep hating. Your hate only make me work harder and that makes haters more jealous."
Dude, starting two sentences in a row with "However" is bad form. Dude, you need an editor. But I could use an editor too. No shame. I use the word "just" too much. The first step is just admitting you have a problem. Oops.
"I collect tips on murder victims of all races."
And here we get to the crux of the matter.
You like to call your self a "Crime Fighter", like you are really Omega Man or something.
But all you fucking do is collect tips!
You're not a detective, are you? You don't have any investigative or law enforcement training, do you? Do you apply deductive reasoning to possible scenarios, motives and suspects who might be involved in a particular crime to arrive at the most likely conclusion?
Do you take fingerprints? Do you have a DNA lab? Do you perform autopsies? Do you collect evidence? Do you interrogate people?
No. You collect fucking tips.
There is an 800 number that "collects tips".
The Ad Hoc Group Against Crime "collects tips".
So, Alonzo, what is it, exactly, that you bring to the "crime fighting" table that no one else brings?
What possible basis can you have for being so full of yourself that you can make bold, self-serving, self-promoting, useless statements like this:
"They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter."
If you REALLY want to make a difference, if you REALLY want to be a Crimefighter, you should be Johnny On The Spot at every crime scene encouraging the crime victims to snitch like a motherfucker!
Fuck a bunch of candlelight vigils and BIG CASH MONEY for anonymous "tips".
If you are serious about fighting crime, convince the victims to cooperate with the police. Give descriptions. Give up names and addresses. Identify perps in line-ups. Testify in court and put some criminal motherfuckers in JAIL!
If you start doing that, I will be your biggest champion! I will mention you and link to you as often as I can.
But if all you are going to do is passively collect tips and try to convince people you are all that and a bag of chips? Fuck you.
You want to fight crime? Pay somebody to create a REAL BLOG for you, because that MySpace abomination of yours is a fucking crime against The Internet.
It takes longer to load your website than it does to solve a murder!
At the next annual meeting of "The Man" at a secure, undisclosed location somewhere deep under the mountains of Switzerland, I may have to petition Al Gore and Vint Cerf to officially SANCTION you!
From a purely technological standpoint, content and intent aside, your "blog" is the most horrendous, RAM hogging, useless piece of shit I have ever linked to.
Jesus Fucking Christ man, there are people with mad internet skillz who can fix that shit.
Pay 'em. Do it.
Peace out, Girl Scout!