Sunday, March 28, 2010

Backward Christian Soldiers

This headline caught me off guard.

"Raids in 3 states target Christian militia"

"The target of the raid was a group called the Hutaree, which proclaims on a Web site that it is "Preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive."

I'd never heard of these fuckers before so I googled "hutaree" and found some pretty scary shit.

Not "scary" as in these are people to be afraid of. More "scary" that human beings can be this fucking stupid.

Their "military" patch features a sword as a cross and the initials "CCR" which refers to the "Colonial Christian Republic", whatever the fuck that is.

I put the word military in quotes because dressing up in camo gear and playing "army" in the woods with your buddies doesn't make you a military force.

I strongly suspect that the laziest and WORST Navy Seal could kick the ass of every single Hutaree member, at the same time, while watching The View and eating a ham sandwich without breaking a bead of sweat.

As evidence, I submit these videos of the self proclaimed "TEOTWAWKI Man". TEOTWAWKI is an acronym for "The End Of The World As We Know It".

I found these through the Hutaree website under the "Azuurlin's Blog" link.

Episode 1, Part 1

Episode 1, Part 2

There was better survival information available in the old Whole Earth Catalog and Foxfire books than anything this goonbabbling idiot has to say. This guy will get you killed by opossums. Fucktard!

Also on the Hutaree web site you can find a link to the Beast Watch which will alert you to information about the coming of the Anti-Christ.

Then there is a link to something called the "Adjutant Briefing" which describes itself as "A brief summary of potential threats, hazzards and instabilities". It seems to be an aggregate of various information sources including one called the Rapture Index.

The Rapture Index describes itself as "The prophetic speedometer of end-time activity".

"The Purpose For This Index

The Rapture Index has two functions: one is to factor together a number of related end time components into a cohesive indicator, and the other is to standardize those components to eliminate the wide variance that currently exists with prophecy reporting.

The Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture, however, the index is designed to measure the type of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture.

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we're moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture.

Rapture Index of 100 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 100 to 130: Moderate prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 130 to 160: Heavy prophetic activity
Rapture Index above 160: Fasten your seat belts"

It tracks news reports of the following indices:

False Christs, Occult, Satanism, Unemployment, Inflation, Interest Rates, The Economy, Oil Supply/Price, Debt and Trade, Financial Unrest, Leadership, Drug Abuse, Apostasy, Supernatural, Moral Standards, Anti-Christian, Crime Rate, Ecumenism, Globalism, Tribulation Temple, Anti-Semitism, Israel, Gog (Russia), Persia (Iran), The False Prophet, Nuclear Nations, Global Turmoil, Arms Proliferation, Liberalism, The Peace Process, Kings of the East, Mark of the Beast, Beast Government, The Antichrist, Date Settings, Volcanoes, Earthquakes, Wild Weather, Civil Rights, Famine, Drought, Plagues, Climate, Food Supply and Floods.

They look at things such as:

01 False Christs
A gentleman in Florida has made news by claiming to
be Christ.
02 Occult:
There has been two major news events involving witchcraft
and murder.
04 Unemployment:
Unemployment tops 10 percent.
05 Inflation:
Consumer inflation remains tame.
06 Interest Rates:
The Federal Reserve cuts rates to near zero.
07 The Economy
Doubts about the strength of the U.S. economic grow.
08 Oil Supply/Price
The price of oil climb as the dollar come under pressure.
09 Debt and Trade:
The mortgage bailout will add $1.2 trillion to the Federal
10 Financial unrest
The U.S. dollar is down sharply, and gold is at a new high.

The current Rapture Index is set at 170, in case you were wondering. Probably a good idea to know where your towel is.

So you have this paramilitary group of Holy Special Forces wannabes posting videos of them playing with their toys in the woods to some incredibly annoying and repetitious sound track droning on about "Mary Ann".

These inbred, backwoods idiots crack me up.

I just have one question.

If Jeebus is coming back to Earth in The End Times with The Wrath Of Almighty God to cleanse the world of wickedness, chain the Anti-Christ, throw him into the Pit of Hell and Reign For A Thousand Years, what the fuck does he need with a bunch camouflaged hillbillies crawling around in the dirt pretending to be "soldiers"?

What with all the Seven Seals, plagues, locusts, Horsemen of the Apocalypse, turning seas to blood and shit I would think that the Supreme Creator And Ruler wouldn't need to call on a bunch of ass-slapping, deer hunting, high school drop outs who like to have slumber parties out in the woods to complete His Divine Plan.

The stupidity and gullibility of my fellow humans never ceases to amaze and amuse me.


emawkc said...

To me, CCR will always stand for Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Oh, and The End of the World as we Know It actually happened in the early '90s. Nobody really noticed.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Surprise surprise. I would have NEVER guessed you would write on this story...haha Well, at least you didn't throw all Christians in the same barrel as these guys.

Xavier Onassis said...

Jools - It was like throwing a bucket of chum to a starving shark. I couldn't help myself! Some nights this shit writes itself.

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