Friday, July 15, 2011

You Stupid, Gullible, Trader Joe Sycophants


The Greater Metropolitan Kansas City Area is pissing all over themselves (and not an insignificant number of innocent bystanders) over a fucking grocery store opening.

Trader Joe's has come to Kansas City in two locations.

"2 BUCK CHUCK! 2 BUCK CHUCK!"

"Who Gives a Fuck? Who Gives a Fuck?"

Apparently a lot of upscale, gullible, meat puppets who are easily manipulated by clever marketing give a fuck for 2 Buck Chuck and the whole manufactured "Trader Joe's" mythos.

SCENARIO 1:
A grocery store at 7th & Paseo offers an inconsistent, rotating stock of food products from sources and brands that can't be found anywhere else at prices lower than you would find for comparable items at say, Price Chopper or Hy-Vee.

ASSUMPTION 1: This is an Aldis store offering low grade, off-brand crap that "normal people" would never buy, to low-class, food stamp recipients who can't afford the quality of produce they could get if they could afford to shop at Price Chopper or Hy-Vee.

SCENARIO 2:
A grocery store on 119th St. in Leawood, KS offers an inconsistent, rotating stock of food products from sources and brands that can't be found anywhere else at prices lower than you would find for comparable items at say, Price Chopper or Hy-Vee.

ASSUMPTION @: This is Trader Joes! Offering exotic, organic, exclusive, hard-to-find, off-brand products that only "in the know" foodie intelligentsia can acquire because they are way too smart and hip to shop at such low-brow, "common" places like Price Chopper or Hy-Vee.

YOUR EPIPHANY: You "upscale" JoCo, Beemer-Hummer driving fucktards are buying and eating the same "unique" food products as your ghetto-dwelling brethren. It's just sold in different packages and presented by different people.

At an Aldis in the hood, if you try to rip open a package and sample a pretzel before buying the bag, you will probably be tackled and tazed by a retired police officer! You might even die!

At a Trader Joe's, you can ask some Jimmy Buffet looking mother fucker to open the bag for you and he will happily let you try a taste before you buy it.

It's the same fucking pretzel! It's the same fucking price! Only the training of the employee and the expectation of the customer are different.

You privileged, upscale, conservative, condescending, hipster motherfuckers make me want to puke!

You can take your 2 Buck Chuck and shove it up your pompous, foodie, pretentious fucking hipster asses.

14 comments:

Joe said...

I've been in Trader Joe's and I've never understood what the big deal was. And a two dollar bottle of wine? BFD! I've been in Price Chopper and when they gave my godchildren a free cookie I was sold.

Pascal said...

Clearly you've not yet sampled the Trader Joe's blowjob.
Pretty much the same blowjob you'll get at HyVee but with giggling and thoughtful, timely applause.

kcmeesha said...

first of all there is an Aldi right in the middle of the rich part of Johnson Co. And it's not going out of business either. and from whatever you just wrote, I understand that all that doesn't apply to the missouri store, mobbed by your fellow missouri JoCo wannabe's. lastly, there are some things that I like there, as well as at aldi's. aldi is better b/c normally there are at most 2 employees per store who are surly and I like that a lot better.cheery people suck.

Poodles said...

I would just love to be able to buy wine in a grocery store.

Joe said...

And that's Poodles for the win.

Old Fart said...

HAHAHA... I love it.

A flaming liberal complaining about a place that sells affordable food, simply because rich people might shop there, and the employees might actually treat you like a customer.

Too awesome!

Superdave said...

Yes I agree people going all stupid over a grocery store is a riot.

They act like from the crowds I heard was there like they have never been inside a grocery store.

Every weekend in my local Price Chopper they have people there offering samples of food which to me makes way more sense than ripping a new bad open and saying here try one. Some how some way the consumer who shops there is going to pay for this insanity.

I doubt I will be driving all the way over to a Trader Joes to shop nor do I doubt they will be in the KC area very long. The newness will wear off just like it did with White Castle that everyone was screaming to come to KC who is no longer any where to be found.

A local developer pushed hard for these two places and both stores are located on land they own or manage.

Groucho K. Marx said...

L M A O !!!

Once again XO nails it....

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I've never been in a Trader Joe's so can't say anything about it one way or the other but I will say this.

You should be cheering any new business that opens in the area. We need new businesses. They hire people. They pay taxes and the people they hire pay taxes. Plus, competition is good. Competition means prices will be adjusted or quality will be improved or something unique will be provided.

Superdave said...

I travel for Jools says; "You should be cheering any new business that opens in the area. We need new businesses. They hire people. They pay taxes and the people they hire pay taxes."

I bet if you look around and did a little digging this so called new business got tax breaks to open a store so no money to be had that way.

As a rule grocery type stores are very low paying jobs so not great numbers in tax money there either and just a place where people work and can't pay there bills due to low pay so have no extra money to buy anything else.

So in short a new business isn't always a blessing as you try to make them appear.

Plus the Missouri employees as well have to pay e-tax which means they make even less money.

Xavier Onassis said...

Joe - I've had my share of $2 wine. It was called Ripple.

Pascal - Don't get me started on blow jobs! Wait...that didn't come out right. Wait...neither did that. Damn.

Meesha - I agree. Cheery people are the worst. Yes, I found everything OK, yes it's hot, just shut the fuck up, ring up my groceries and let me get the hell out of here.

Poodles - Fucking Mormons. If there is any group of people who should be encouraged to drink A LOT, it's the fucking Mormons. Uptight fuckers need to relax.

Old Fart - Where the fuck have you been, man? And take off the fucking stocking cap. It's like a brazillion degrees outside. You'll fry your brain. Oh, wait...

Groucho - Thank you, sir!

Jools - I won't argue any of those points. My issue is with the ridiculous hype.

Superdave - I have to side with Jools on this one. If you have been out of work for years and somebody wants to hire you to wear Jimmy Buffet shirts and rip open bags of pretzels, that's a pretty sweet gig. A job is a job to someone without a job.

Donna said...

I just want to say that I enjoyed this entry and every single comment made here. I know nothing about Trader Joe's, living out here in the redneck ghetto as I do. We don't even HAVE grocery stores here.

Spyder said...

We've been shopping at Aldi's for a while now & very happy with them. If I happen to drive by a Trader Joe's I may stop in but I'm not making a special trip there.

Anonymous said...

Here is the thing. 2 buck chuck, Charles Shaw wine, has ruffled feathers and is talked about by many of these degenerates because in blind taste tests time after time, people chose the 2 buck chuck as their preferred. So, put all the pretentiousness and wine swirling and trying to act bigshot aside. Charles Shaw wine is a respectable wine and price has nothing to do with quality