Monday, December 26, 2011

Fucked Up Foodies


The Internet is deluged with blogs, Facebook pages, Twitter feeds and all manner digital personas presenting themselves as supreme arbiters of what you should and should not eat or drink.

They vehemently eschew anything you've ever actually tried and liked. The only worthy food and drink, according to these pretentious, pompous asshats, are obscure, never heard of, impossible to find, ethnically dubious, nutritionally marginal, stupidly expensive, small plate artistic creations that wouldn't satisfy the hunger of anyone but a coke-headed hipster.

The very fact that most people like something makes it common, cheap and to be avoided at all costs. Only the rare, bizarre and mostly unknown should be sought out and savored.

Strouds, a local Kansas City family-style dining tradition that has been around for generations is regularly looked down upon because everyone likes it and it is good, plain, down home cooking. Pan fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, green beans and dinner rolls as big as your head. All served family style just like at Grandma's.

Instead, the local Foodies would have you seek out some Ethiopian store-front "restaurant" with bars on the window in a high crime area that serves traditional Ethiopian fare. Like "drought starved grubs lightly dusted with dry sand, garnished with a fine, brown dust served with a side of sun parched mud".

Or some Egyptian place that serves pickled monkey brains on a bed of papyrus sprinkled with finely ground dung beetles lightly drizzled with the distilled essence of mummified goat testicles.

These Foodies won't eat where you eat.

They will only eat from dubious food trucks or "pop up" restaurants.

If Foodie "logic" were extended to the rest of society, only the Presidential candidate with the least number of votes would be elected to office. A candidate who didn't bother to run and got no votes at all would be ideal.

Only television shows that no one ever watched would be aired.

Only movies that never sold a single ticket or were never viewed by anyone other than movie critics would be eligible for any awards.

Only books that never got checked out or read would be stocked in libraries.

Streets with the least amount of traffic would get the most attention and maintenance. Major thoroughfares and highways would be left to crumble.

The diseases that afflicted the greatest number of people would receive the least amount of funding. Only obscure afflictions like "sunflower pollen intolerance among Siberian albino hermaphrodites" would be considered worthy of research dollars.

Ignore these pretentious foodie motherfuckers and don't let them make you feel inferior about what you like.

Eat what you want. Eat what you like. Enjoy.

If these skinny-jeans wearing hipsters want to ride their bicycles to the latest pop up restaurant serving free-range Libyan locusts humanely drowned in the finest Moroccan honey served on a plate of 100 year old Turkish hummus cooked over a genuine camel dung stove smothered in scarab wings, more power to them.

I'll gladly settle for a ham and beef half and half sammich from Bryant's with a full plate of greasy skin-on fries, lots of that thin, vinegary delicious sauce and a frosty mug of generic beer.

Bone a Petite.

32 comments:

Keith Sader said...

Stroud's was better when it was under the Troost bridge - just sayin' And I'm just sayin' that without having been to the newest location - does that make me an official foodie now?

JustCara said...

Oh thank Cher, somebody had the guts to call these idiots out. A few months ago I sat at a dinner party across from a local foodie who went on, and on, and on, and on about molecular gastronomy and referred to local cooks as "Chef so-and-so" as if they were freakin' Nobel Prize winners instead of people who I pay to make food for me. My eyes still hurt from rolling.

Satyavati devi dasi said...

Why does anyone give a shit where anyone eats?

I mean, I'm a huge fan of small ethnic grocery stores that have huge coolers in the back filled with hard to identify items and whole aisles with not one thing labeled in English.

Places where you have to wonder how they got all their shit past Customs.

Where you really want to look twice to see what the hell it is you're buying, and for the uninitiated, you really need a knowledgable guide to keep you from hurting yourself or those you love.

So is it any different really? Maybe only in the sense that while I really love these types of store, I go because there's things I need that I can't get elsewhere or that I can get mucho cheaper in an ethnic store (price spices lately? Go to Little India instead.) and not because I'm trying to be some kind of cool.

Either way, it don't matter. If people want to eat at little weird dives, that's all right. I've eaten in some kinda frightening places (a basement in Chinatown NYC?) because it was kinda an adventure and it was fun... I dunno, maybe this doesn't piss me off because I'm not ever around people who eat in places like this. They should go to their local HK temple and have lunch for free instead in my opinion.

Now that the holidays are over, I'm planning to make a meal for everyone at work. The menu so far is: salad with dressing, greens (Southern type, think collards but I'm using kale cause kale rocks), biscuits, baked mac n cheese Southern style, mashed potatoes with gravy and cookies for dessert. There will be more, I just haven't come up with it yet.

Anyway, my two paisa.

Donna said...

I'm such a hillbilly, I prefer KFC to Strouds. Strouds food tastes too much like my own home cooking, and I can have that any time.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I could throw some political commentary in here...but I won't because this post is so well written, I just can't go all political on you today ...tomorrow maybe...lol

kcmeesha said...

I would gladly eat at Stroud's if I didn't have to wait for 45 minutes to get my chicken. I don't like people who take it over the top but for me it's two things: 1) I am curious what other people eat 2)If someone opened a restaurant and I think it's good I don't mind spreading a word. Stroud's and Bryant's don't need help with advertising, but other places do. Maybe when I get fired and open a borscht restaurant someone will be kind enough to tell other people about it.
As far as your presidential analogy that would be like voting for the most exotic of the candidates.McCain would've been your plain ol'fried chicken, and Hillary maybe a BBQ sandwich.Oh, wait...

Chimpotle said...

Don't use the Foodie excuse to cover for the fact that Stroud's fried chicken sucks. It only survives because old white people who don't enjoy things like spices are willing to wait an hour to eat there.

Xavier Onassis said...

Keith - Of course it was better under the bridge! The new location is in Johnson County which means I'll never go there. I can only assume that Stroud's once succulent and juicy fried chicken is now as bland and lifeless as everything else in Mordor.

Xavier Onassis said...

JustCara - Yeah, I'm pretty sure it takes more than a white smock and a stupid looking hat to qualify someone as a "chef". Just like it takes more than a snooty attitude to qualify as a food critic.

Xavier Onassis said...

Satyavati - I don't care where anyone eats. It's the pretentious and condescending way they talk about what they eat that makes me want to punch a baby.

Xavier Onassis said...

Donna - In much the same way, I prefer Taco Bell to Chipotle.

Xavier Onassis said...

Jools - I can anticipate a couple of different directions you might take this. :-)

Xavier Onassis said...

kcmeesha - You are not one of the offensive food lovers. I've stopped following most of the ones I found offensive. Or they stopped following me. Either way, I don't have to listen to that drivel anymore.

Xavier Onassis said...

Chimpotle - Strouds fried chicken tastes exactly like down home fried chicken is supposed to taste. Salt and pepper ARE spices. You want spicey chicken in a hurry try Popeye's. I'm particularly fond of their red beans and rice.

Fate said...

Heh,

Was expecting to walk away all offended and stuff, especially as I have rather... different... food tastes. :o

You are fail at the offense XO. Try again.

Leaves subscribe button checked.

Nick said...

Pickled monkey brains are way over-rated, as is most other offal. Mostly it was eaten only because real food was unaffordable...

And when/why did food trucks become popular? Back n the day one only "dined" at a roach coach because there were no other options...

"The D" said...

I feel the same way about the fuckin' beer bloggers.

Screw them and their $15 single beers. I'll stick with my $20 case of Coors Light.

Xavier Onassis said...

Fate - I know all about your love of human flesh. I find that less offensive than talk of anything "off menu". Pretentious fuckers.

Here's the thing about eating "off menu". If the food was any fucking good, wouldn't it be ON the menu?

The reason it's "off menu" is because nobody wants to eat that nasty ass shit!

Xavier Onassis said...

Nick - I think this whole Food Truck trend was nothing more than some marketing genius at Moble-Teria experimenting with rebranding and upscaling their old chrome roach coaches. Fucking brilliant!

Xavier Onassis said...

The D - Fuckin' A, bubba!

Poodles said...

I just like food. If it's good (to me) I'll eat it. I like to try little, out of the way, unknown places, especially if they are crowded. That being said, I had taco time for dinner. :)

Xavier Onassis said...

Poodles - I like to try new and unusual things too. I'd try some Ethiopian fare. But I wouldn't make special arrangements to go after hours and request to be served special items that don't normally appear on the menu.

That just seems like extremely pretentious asshattery to me.

And although I enjoy the occasional exotic cuisine, I don't turn my nose up at the occasional Big Mac or bag of greasy White Castle sliders.

Superdave said...

Hey I eat what I want when I want and if someone does not like that they can kiss my ass.

Coors is ok but I'd rather have a Bud myself

sue hanes said...

XO - I like your really cool illustration but not nearly as much as your outstanding photography.

Keith Sader said...

Food trucks make a business sense when your real estate prices, like in LA, make it unreasonable to open an actual place that doesn't have bullet holes in it. Where I work about 6-10 trucks are nearby everyday which makes it great for not driving somewhere.

OTOH, I don't know why you'd have a truck in an area where you can't operate it for 4-6 months of the year and where everyone can just *drive* to your business.

Xavier Onassis said...

Keith - It's just more pretentious, midwestern, hipster, coast-envy. They're a bunch of wannabes.

They wish they lived someplace cool like you where food trucks make sense.

They wish they lived somplace where soccer is actually a popular sport.

They wish they lived someplace where saying "molecular gastronomy" made people sit up and pay attention.

They wish they lived some place where skinny jeans, expensive designer vanity glasses and wearing wool caps in the summer was actually considered cool.

It's sad, really.

Satyavati devi dasi said...

Around here you see food trucks, but it's mostly stuff like LEW'S RIBS N WINGS or MAMA'S or LA TIENDA MEXICANA LA VERACRUZANA. And mostly they just go around to jobsites, big companies' parking lots (if they can get let in) or even park on the roadside if there's a field where there's enough migrant workers to make it pay. So strictly a practicality measure, I think, because everything here is far away from everything else and if you're willing to haul burritos out to the farm, you can make a buck.

On the other hand, lots of construction crews especially bring all their groceries and cook on site. Our framing crew was famous for building makeshift griddles out of aluminum flashing and brick.

But I think the ultimate of all food trucks (and I say this even though I am no longer a carnivore) has to be the Sabrett guy on every corner in NYC. The damn cooking water is so filthy you can't see to the bottom of it and the buns are way soggy, but you slap some of those Sabrett onions on top and that's the best damn hotdog you ever ate. Does a pushcart qualify as a food truck? Actually now that I think of it I once saw a falafel cart. I hate falafel though.

Poodles said...

You just can't go wrong with a dollar street taco. That's about all the food trucks you see around here. I would love some food trucks to come by where I work, mostly because I'm lazy and hate to go out to get something.

The Hulk and I actually have thought about open either a diner or a food truck. "Poodles Place, Polynesian and Pasta". Good food, cheap prices, only place you'd find sausage and pepper sandwiches and BBQ Kahlua pork.

Satyavati devi dasi said...

Actually with a little more thought I realized that my initial reaction to this whole thing is due to the fact that I don't know any people like this.

I had to do the Wiki on 'molecular gastronomy'.

I think for those people I would have to do like my mom and say 'what the hell's the matter with you? sit down, shut up, and eat.'

And if they give you any shit, you clock them one with the wooden spoon.

That's family style dining.

Xavier Onassis said...

Satyavati and Poodles - We have some normal food trucks. Small taqurias, hot dog carts, the usual stuff.

But then we have these pretentious Foodie Trucks that present themselves as gormet restaurants on wheels or virtual pop up restaurants on the go.

Many of them start off on kickstart.org trying to get people like you and me to finance them.

I come from the school that says if you serve quality food from a fixed location, hungry people will come to you. You won't have to get in a truck and hunt your customers down on the street like animal control chasing after a rabid dog.

It all seems a bit desperate to me. "Fund me online so I can buy a truck and stalk you on the street and beg you to buy my overpriced pretentious food items!"

I'm not buying food from a "restaurant" that has to be licensed by both the Department of Sanitation and the DMV.

Mind Made Up said...

Satyavati devi dasi said...
Why does anyone give a shit where anyone eats?


Yeah! And I say Amen to that! Sound like Michelle Obama too me.

Xavier Onassis said...

Mind Made Up - Dude, I think you'll be VERY interested in this article!

http://www.livescience.com/15196-dna-evidence-neanderthals-sex-humans.html

Seriously.