Fucked Up Foodies

The Internet is deluged with blogs, Facebook pages, Twitter feeds and all manner digital personas presenting themselves as supreme arbiters of what you should and should not eat or drink.

They vehemently eschew anything you've ever actually tried and liked. The only worthy food and drink, according to these pretentious, pompous asshats, are obscure, never heard of, impossible to find, ethnically dubious, nutritionally marginal, stupidly expensive, small plate artistic creations that wouldn't satisfy the hunger of anyone but a coke-headed hipster.

The very fact that most people like something makes it common, cheap and to be avoided at all costs. Only the rare, bizarre and mostly unknown should be sought out and savored.

Strouds, a local Kansas City family-style dining tradition that has been around for generations is regularly looked down upon because everyone likes it and it is good, plain, down home cooking. Pan fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, green beans and dinner rolls as big as your head. All served family style just like at Grandma's.

Instead, the local Foodies would have you seek out some Ethiopian store-front "restaurant" with bars on the window in a high crime area that serves traditional Ethiopian fare. Like "drought starved grubs lightly dusted with dry sand, garnished with a fine, brown dust served with a side of sun parched mud".

Or some Egyptian place that serves pickled monkey brains on a bed of papyrus sprinkled with finely ground dung beetles lightly drizzled with the distilled essence of mummified goat testicles.

These Foodies won't eat where you eat.

They will only eat from dubious food trucks or "pop up" restaurants.

If Foodie "logic" were extended to the rest of society, only the Presidential candidate with the least number of votes would be elected to office. A candidate who didn't bother to run and got no votes at all would be ideal.

Only television shows that no one ever watched would be aired.

Only movies that never sold a single ticket or were never viewed by anyone other than movie critics would be eligible for any awards.

Only books that never got checked out or read would be stocked in libraries.

Streets with the least amount of traffic would get the most attention and maintenance. Major thoroughfares and highways would be left to crumble.

The diseases that afflicted the greatest number of people would receive the least amount of funding. Only obscure afflictions like "sunflower pollen intolerance among Siberian albino hermaphrodites" would be considered worthy of research dollars.

Ignore these pretentious foodie motherfuckers and don't let them make you feel inferior about what you like.

Eat what you want. Eat what you like. Enjoy.

If these skinny-jeans wearing hipsters want to ride their bicycles to the latest pop up restaurant serving free-range Libyan locusts humanely drowned in the finest Moroccan honey served on a plate of 100 year old Turkish hummus cooked over a genuine camel dung stove smothered in scarab wings, more power to them.

I'll gladly settle for a ham and beef half and half sammich from Bryant's with a full plate of greasy skin-on fries, lots of that thin, vinegary delicious sauce and a frosty mug of generic beer.

Bone a Petite.