Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Open Letter to Newt Gingrich

Dear Newton Leroy Gingrich,

When evaluating your qualifications to be President of the United States and Leader of the Free World, here are some Cliff Notes of things that voting Americans DON'T want in their Commander In Chief:

Dodging the draft in Vietnam through creative deferments.

Cheating on your first wife.

Divorcing your first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer.

Cheating on your second wife (who was the woman you were having an affair with while you were married to your first wife with the cancer) with an ambitious, paid, Campaign aide.

Divorcing your second wife after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and confessing to friends that she wasn't "young enough" to be a First Lady to The President.

Presenting the American people with a former cheating slut repackaged as a spooky looking, mute Stepford Wife with helmet-hair and creepy eyes as a potential First Lady.

All of the people who know you and worked with you can't stand you, think you would be a HORRIBLE president and would sooner see you die in a fire than get elected.

Blaming "The Media" for rightfully pointing out that you are a liar, a hypocrite, and completely full of shit.

Proposing the establishment of a Moon Base which could someday petition to become a 51st state without knowing the real reasons why a moon base would be a good thing and why it becoming a 51st state would violate international law.

I could go on, Newt, but I'm one of the 99% living paycheck to paycheck who doesn't earn money from book royalties and speaker's fees. I have to get up in the morning and go to work at a real job.

So, Newt, in closing, fuck you, fuck your arrogant attitude, fuck your creepy Stepford Wife, fuck your completely idiotic policy proposals and fuck your COLOSSAL EGO.

You had your shot at leadership when you were Speaker of the House and you screwed the pooch. You don't get another chance to do the same thing on a grander scale.

Buh bye Newt!


Yours In Christ,


Xavier Onassis, Esq.

43 comments:

Super Dave said...

I so fucking agree!

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

".....former cheating slut repackaged as a spooky looking, mute Stepford Wife with helmet-hair and creepy eyes...."

Still, at least she's mute.

"..fuck your creepy Stepford Wife,..."

They're machines you know?
Are you sure you want to gain carnal knowledge of a glorified Vaucanson 'dame de voyage'?
If so, may I recommend 10W-30 as a lube?

Kevin said...

that pretty much sums it up

Bilious Pudenda said...

Oi, you're a sweary bollocks. Innit?

Nick said...

damn it

ALTC just isn't the same...

Aquarians Love To Fuck said...

Apologies Nick.
I had to adjust so I could post on Jo-Joe Politico's blog.
I was tired of constantly changing my appellation and/or blogger source as I skipped gleefully betwixt these two Librul blogs.

One last time....
For you.

sue hanes said...

Wow!


W A Y T O G O X O

Ducky's here said...

That wife of his looks like the Joker.

midtown miscreant said...

I agree, Newts a douche. Whats your opinion on Bill Clinton? I only ask because most liberals love slick willy and sing his praises. Meanwhile they detest Gingrich for his infidelities.
Liberals who lurve them some slick willy, denounce Romney as a fat cat rich guy. They bitched and moaned that Mitt made about 3/4 a mill for speaking. Meanwhile last year Clinton pulled in 75 mill for speaking alone. Dont get me twisted, hypocrisy is rife on both sides of the fence. That said, I dont recall ever reading a single post on here that was really critical of the multitudes of fucktards in the democratic party. And therein lies the big difference, in my mind the biggest difference in libs and cons. Conservatives will point out and even destroy those within their party who dont really fit the criteria. Liberals on the other hand seem blind to their own and many, flaws. Dont get me wrong, I think you are good people or I'd never have shared a table with ya, but you are as blind as a bat and as full of shit as a christmas goose when it comes to the realities of your own party and its real agendas.

sue hanes said...

midtown - When you said - What's your opinion on Bill Clinton - were you speaking specifically to XO - or just anyone?

Because I would like to comment on that subject - but not if my Opinion is not Welcome.

Xavier Onassis said...

midtown miscreant - I like Clinton. Always have, still do.

My thoughts on the whole Lewinsky deal was if the most powerful man on the planet can't get a little strange under the desk, then what the fuck is the point of having the job and putting up with all that bullshit?

My real problem is with the moral posturing of hypocritical "high horse" conservatives who drone on and on and on about "moral authority" and "family values" and "Judeo-Christian Principals" while they are fucking their campaign aids, cheating on their wives, soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms and using my tax dollars to pay for their kinky sex whores without paying me the courtesy of inviting me to the party.

You said "Dont get me wrong, I think you are good people or I'd never have shared a table with ya, but you are as blind as a bat and as full of shit as a christmas goose when it comes to the realities of your own party and its real agendas."

I like to think I'm as full of shit as a Christmas Turducken. That's gotta be 3 times as much shit as a fucking goose.

Thanks for stopping by, bro.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Turducken?

Speaking of a portmanteau, would not Clinton's irrumation of Monica be a form of canine engastration? You know, they's being dawg and dog respectively?

Nick said...

ALTF -

Much less ironic; Willie would hose a snake if you held it down, and blue dress desired to swallow history.

Same as it ever was...

Emanuel Goldstein said...

Hey hip guy, tell us about your outstanding military service.

And how you never stooped to getting a divorce.

Please tell us the secret of being a successful man like you!Q

MDMA said...

It is such an interesting thing having this post of yours. I was interested with the topic as well as the flow of the story. Keep up doing this.

Me? Opinionated? said...

You Poor fool, you are even a bigger idiot then people thought.
It's funny how the left-wing media considers Gingrich's connection to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac newsworthy; however, it conveniently forgets to mention that every major Democrat from Obama on down have connections to this failed mortgage firm.

The bias in the media is best exemplified in what they selectively forget to cover rather than what they do cover
How about, Obama's Deep Ties to F.M. and F.M.?
Clearly a third grad student knows more about politics than you do.
Look up and read Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals to see very clearly where your clown Obama fits in and how it is meant to deceive the American people-- and what the 'national community organizer' is actually doing with stealth but very much in public nonetheless.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

The Opinionated one said,

".....You Poor fool, you are even a bigger idiot then people thought....."

No he's not!
We share a less-than-discreet, though thoroughly discrete, accountant.

And it's 'bigger idiot THAN people thought'.
Best you get your Yankee English up to the level of Jethro Bodine at least.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Dearest Emanuel Goldstein,

Nu?

You want maybe I should rough him up a bissel?

Me? Opinionated? said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Me? Opinionated? said...

Aquarians Love To Cuddle, I'm going to spare the rest of the readers here by not giving my opinion about what I think about you and the self-centered BS that you've been cramming up the blogs with.

While I strongly support standing up for what you believe in, but in this case, I think your constant correcting the English of just about everyone's post is way out of line.
I think that you need to re-read the guide to being a bitch, because you are not even good at that.
Remember that smart people don’t make fools out of themselves as you have been doing.

sue hanes said...

Hey Emanuel - Why do you say the getting a divorce is 'stooping.'


I think that Divorce is the only road to Freedom.


Now if I could only come up with the money.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

"....I think that you need to re-read the guide to being a bitch, because you are not even good at that...."

I am not trying to be a bitch. I am trying, and it would seem succeeeding, to be a cunt!


"....Remember that smart people don’t make fools out of themselves as you have been doing....."

I agree. I do not recall stating I was smart though - I am a dullard.

AND you ended your first run-on sentence with a preposition! That is something up with which Sir Winston Churchill and I will not put.

Do tell all of us what you really think about me.

midtown miscreant said...

Fuck Sir Winston Churchill and the rest of the Brits.

Bilious Pudenda said...

Mr. Me? Opinionated?,

Best you not tangle with Fucking Aquarians.
She will eviscerate you.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Me? Opinionated? said...

Bilious Pudenda said...
Mr. Me? Opinionated?,
Best you not tangle with Fucking Aquarians.
She will eviscerate you




If the means reaming my bowels, then I'm all for it.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Dearest midtown miscreant,

If you insist.
I recommend starting at Land's End and avoiding the Isles of Scilly entirely. Those wind-swept gits there are horrid in bed.

Dearest Opinionated One,

Do they need reaming?
Or is this a life-style choice?
If the former, you're out of luck. If the latter, I'll fetch me my prosthetic penis and oblige.

Norma said...

Agreed on most of it, although his ego isn't as big as Obama's, but sure close.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

You're wrong Norma!

My English tutor's friend's cousin's step-son saw then Senator Obama in the locker room after a game of pick-up basketball at the Chicago 'Y' once and he says President Obama's ego is quite normal sized - though possibly a tad girthier about the middle.

Though if Mr. Gingrich had a large ego he would not have been consistently dumped by the various women that have come in, and quickly out, of his life - so perhaps you are right.

Super Dave said...

You do jail time as well XO?

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I don't like Newt Gingrich. He's real smart, but I can't get by his monster ego, his in your face infidelity of ex wives, and quite frankly, I think he's in it for Newt before anybody else.

That said, I can't stand Obama. He's made it a point to make damn sure his agenda affects every living, breathing person in this country and I don't like it. I don't like being forced to do anything. I could go on...but I don't feel like it.

I'm supporting Romney and I hope he gets the nomination.

And one last thing, Aquarians is driving me nuts. She He It or Whatever is a feakshow.

Xavier Onassis said...

JOOLS - The comment section on my blog has become a very strange place lately. Not at all like the old days.

Xavier Onassis said...

Super Dave - No jail time for me. But that's more of a "luck of the draw" thing than any sort of moral superiority.

Xavier Onassis said...

Hi Norma! You seem like a fairly normal person. Thanks for stopping by!

Xavier Onassis said...

Emanuel Goldstein - I'm not running for president. I don't have to explain anything.

Super Dave said...

Well XO I didn't think so but you called an ex con bro so I was wondering.

Xavier Onassis said...

Super Dave - ??? Huh?

Didn't realize that use of the term "bro" implied that I shared absolutely everything in common with the recipient.

Because if that is the case, I can never use "bro" in reference to anyone I know.

The question man said...

People like this FOOL JOOLS as well as most of the Right know they are racist, they are too cowardly to admit it… out of fear of getting their Astroturf kicked….or change the meaning of the word to attack me to pointing out the racism of others like the right!

These actions reflect the sheer ignorance and emotional immaturity of the average racist, right-wing, conservative Christian, GOP voter.
The truth is out! The GOP knows they will lose in November. They know they don’t have ANYONE who can beat President Obama. They know that their candidates are a base of clowns, idiots, and bat-spit insane people. They know things are somewhat getting under the man they are trying to pass as a failure.

So they resort to this. Claiming this is about the Constitution when they know damn well this is about race. Nothing more, Nothing less.
If I had to endure 8 years of Bush, then I’m not really concerned with the legitimacy of President Obama’s citizenship. Bush was one of the dumbest presidents we’ve had to endure. I didn’t vote for him. People are getting jobs, Osama is dead, our troops are home, and the economy is getting better. I could careless about his citizenship. If Mr. Malihi wants to vote someone else in office, he’s free to cast his vote like everybody else. The disrespect of OUR President is getting ridiculous.
If you hate being called racists, Stop beating this dead horse and admit it!

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

I Travel for JOOLS said,

"....And one last thing, Aquarians is driving me nuts. She He It or Whatever is a feakshow......"

You know, there is a Java Applet that you can install in your Web brouser which will render invisible on your computer any comment I write under my 'Aquarians' name? Everyone else will see my dross, but you won't - I think that is fair.

Have you considered just not reading me?
Just a thought.

Xavier Onassis said...

ALTC - Don't be dissin' on my JOOLS.

She's been coming here and posting intelligent comments calling bullshit on me for half a decade.

When it comes to my loyalty and affection, JOOLS wins. Hands down.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Duly noted GSM.

The Java Applet does work - many on the Internet owe their sanity to it.

If 'calling bullshit on you' is a propitious act which garners one your loyalty and affection, though I do not seek your loyalty and affection; your tolerance will more than suffice, I will endeavour to ventilate your Sterculian rhetoric for your entertainment.

Midtown Miscreant said...

yea careful with that "bro" bulshit xo, super Dave has a man crush / love/ hate/ thang going for me. Not sure what his beef is, I was gonna call him up and try to hash it out, but there are like 33 Super Dave's in the phone book. Also, I didnt make that winston churchill comment, Ive got no beef with any limeys, living or dead.

Midtown Miscreant said...

yea careful with that "bro" bulshit xo, super Dave has a man crush / love/ hate/ thang going for me. Not sure what his beef is, I was gonna call him up and try to hash it out, but there are like 33 Super Dave's in the phone book. Also, I didnt make that winston churchill comment, Ive got no beef with any limeys, living or dead.

Xavier Onassis said...

Midtown Miscreant - That's good information to have. Thanks for the heads up.