Open Letter to Newt Gingrich

Dear Newton Leroy Gingrich,

When evaluating your qualifications to be President of the United States and Leader of the Free World, here are some Cliff Notes of things that voting Americans DON'T want in their Commander In Chief:

Dodging the draft in Vietnam through creative deferments.

Cheating on your first wife.

Divorcing your first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer.

Cheating on your second wife (who was the woman you were having an affair with while you were married to your first wife with the cancer) with an ambitious, paid, Campaign aide.

Divorcing your second wife after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and confessing to friends that she wasn't "young enough" to be a First Lady to The President.

Presenting the American people with a former cheating slut repackaged as a spooky looking, mute Stepford Wife with helmet-hair and creepy eyes as a potential First Lady.

All of the people who know you and worked with you can't stand you, think you would be a HORRIBLE president and would sooner see you die in a fire than get elected.

Blaming "The Media" for rightfully pointing out that you are a liar, a hypocrite, and completely full of shit.

Proposing the establishment of a Moon Base which could someday petition to become a 51st state without knowing the real reasons why a moon base would be a good thing and why it becoming a 51st state would violate international law.

I could go on, Newt, but I'm one of the 99% living paycheck to paycheck who doesn't earn money from book royalties and speaker's fees. I have to get up in the morning and go to work at a real job.

So, Newt, in closing, fuck you, fuck your arrogant attitude, fuck your creepy Stepford Wife, fuck your completely idiotic policy proposals and fuck your COLOSSAL EGO.

You had your shot at leadership when you were Speaker of the House and you screwed the pooch. You don't get another chance to do the same thing on a grander scale.

Buh bye Newt!


Yours In Christ,


Xavier Onassis, Esq.