Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Goddamn Brainless Giant Rodents

No, I'm not talking about Republicans. I'm talking about another equally pervasive, annoying and useless mammal.

I hate highways during rush hour. I refuse to deal with that bullshit. I prefer to take the urban route that gives me more options to avoid idiots and congestion.

So, I'm on my way to work this morning following my usual route which takes me west on 23rd Street between Hwy 291 in Independence to Van Brunt Blvd in Kansas City.

I was heading up the hill towards Rogers Elementary School with Blue Valley Park to the south.

As you can see, this is an urban area with a lot of green space on both sides of the road.

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I'm cruising along just like every morning when WHAM! DEER!

My windshield is completely shattered and I can't see shit.

The drivers around me saw what happened and are cutting me some slack so I manage to get over in the right hand lane and pull into the parking lot of the Rogers Elementary School.

I get out to inspect the damage and this is what I see.

I was AMAZINGLY lucky!

The deer was attempting to jump over my jeep when my windshield, reinforced by the jeep's roll cage, caught the deer square in the side of it's abdomen.

No body damage to the Jeep. No hoof or antler impact. The deer didn't come through the windshield. Jeeps are fucking TOUGH! Safety glass was shattered and the top of the frame was slightly bent. That's it. I was completely unscathed.

Called my insurance company first, then AAA for a tow, then 911 to report the collision.

As I'm talking to the 911 dispatcher and waiting for the tow, I see a KCPD squad car drive by.

Turns out, before I could report the impact with the deer, the crying and screaming grade school students of Rogers Elementary who were watching Bambi thrashing about in extreme, bloody agony right outside their classroom window had already called 911.

My KCPD officer shows up and starts taking a report. He also conveniently chases off a tow truck predator by telling him I had one on the way.

The KCPD officer summoned by the crying school children, the one who put a bullet into Bambi's brain on the children's behalf joined our little group and had some additional info to share.

Apparently, prior to my hitting the deer with my Jeep, someone in urban KC had seen fit to shoot it in the head with an arrow!

Having an arrow through it's head may explain why a docile deer would abandon all caution and attempt to jump a Jeep on a busy street during rush hour!

So I had the Jeep towed to a Jeep dealer in Independence for repairs. My collision deductible through State Farm is only $100.00, so that's survivable.

I had the dealer's shuttle driver take me home where I informed my daughter that I was Commandeering her vehicle while she is on Spring Break,

She asked about the availability of possible Rental/Inconvenience Fees.

A reasonable inquiry if you are making your own car payments and paying for your own insurance.

Otherwise, as in her case, (channelling Samuel L. Jackson) "OH HELL TO THE NO! Now give me those muthafucking keys and shut the fuck up!"

I actually feel bad for the deer.

Life is good. Enjoying a little drink in the stream. Then BAM! Arrow through the head!

DEER: "FUCK! I have an arrow through my head! But YAY! I'm still alive! Run away!"

Then I come along. WHAM!

DEER: "FUCK! I got broadsided by a Jeep at 45mph! But YAY! I'm still alive! Run away!"

Then some school kids call the Po-Po who comes along and pops a cap in it's ass.

That deer had a much worse day than I did.

But that's what it get's for harshing my mellow.

Fucking deer.


Keith Sader said...

Glad you're ok. Deer are big dumb jumping cows.

Xavier Onassis said...

Deer pops up out of nowhere, fucks up my shit and then disappears.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Getting all Deja Vuey over here.

"The D" said...

Your title is incorrect. Deers are not rodents. So you can understand my confusion when you talk about a rodent then I see you tweeting about a 1500 lb mammal.

Xavier Onassis said...

Although the scientific taxonomic classification may not be entirely correct, the general grouping with hairy, over-populated, nuisance critters who serve no purpose and must die is, indeed, correct.

I stand by my post.

kcmeesha said...

I bet some hunter is pissed

Faith said...

So glad you're ok!!!

And that poor deer. Eesh. Your description of it's day prior to getting capped by the popo was, I'm sure, pretty damned accurate. Which is what made me feel even worse for the thing. (Even though it made me laugh a lil' bit.)

I Travel for JOOLS said...

First, glad you're alive and unhurt.
Second, surely bow and arrow hunting is not allowed in city limits. In reality, it appears to me a human rodent is at fault for what happened to both you and the deer.

Sure am glad you lived to blog about it.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Oh, one more thing dad, if you paid your daughter for use of her car while yours is being fixed, would your insurance cover it?

sue hanes said...

XO - First - I'm very glad that you were not hurt.

I love deer - I think they are so beautiful - but they can be a dangerous problem.

My brother lives in a pretty much rural area and he has hit - or been hit by - deer - numerous times.

Fortunately he has never been hurt - but it is a lot of trouble when there is damage to your vehicle.

And - as he told me - they seem to come out of nowhere.

I'm glad you are ok.

Christy said...

Awww....poor deer.

Awww....poor Jeep.

Anonymous said...

funny story

especially cracked up by images of the sobbing school kids further emotionally battered by watching the po-po (whom THEY called to save poor bambi) put 2 in her(his) head.

what a nexus of cosmic improbabilities....

T-Dog said...

Maybe with a bit of luck a (Fucken) Deer will stick his antlers up your stupid ass.

Joe said...

My step bro (who you've met) and I were on patrol in rural Kansas and one came out of nowhere and we hit him at 55. I still have pain in my hand from The airbag deployment. Glad you weren't hurt.

Super Dave said...

I have hit two of those Bambi's and each time was lucky damage wise. They wasn't so lucky.

Xavier Onassis said...

Jools - "...if you paid your daughter for use of her car while yours is being fixed, would your insurance cover it?"

Apparently my policy doen't cover a rental car (I should fix that), so no.

Anonymous - "...what a nexus of cosmic improbabilities...."

Actually, not that improbable at all when you consider the fact that my Jeep is a hybrid. It uses both a conventional internal combustion engine and an Infinite Improbability Drive http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technology_in_The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#Infinite_Improbability_Drive.

Anonymous said...

You were lucky.
I have to deal with Moose and Moose trump even your Jeep.


Did you at least retrieve the arrow as a souvenir?