No, I'm not talking about Republicans. I'm talking about another equally pervasive, annoying and useless mammal.
I hate highways during rush hour. I refuse to deal with that bullshit. I prefer to take the urban route that gives me more options to avoid idiots and congestion.
So, I'm on my way to work this morning following my usual route which takes me west on 23rd Street between Hwy 291 in Independence to Van Brunt Blvd in Kansas City.
I was heading up the hill towards Rogers Elementary School with Blue Valley Park to the south.
As you can see, this is an urban area with a lot of green space on both sides of the road.
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I'm cruising along just like every morning when WHAM! DEER!
My windshield is completely shattered and I can't see shit.
The drivers around me saw what happened and are cutting me some slack so I manage to get over in the right hand lane and pull into the parking lot of the Rogers Elementary School.
I get out to inspect the damage and this is what I see.
I was AMAZINGLY lucky!
The deer was attempting to jump over my jeep when my windshield, reinforced by the jeep's roll cage, caught the deer square in the side of it's abdomen.
No body damage to the Jeep. No hoof or antler impact. The deer didn't come through the windshield. Jeeps are fucking TOUGH! Safety glass was shattered and the top of the frame was slightly bent. That's it. I was completely unscathed.
Called my insurance company first, then AAA for a tow, then 911 to report the collision.
As I'm talking to the 911 dispatcher and waiting for the tow, I see a KCPD squad car drive by.
Turns out, before I could report the impact with the deer, the crying and screaming grade school students of Rogers Elementary who were watching Bambi thrashing about in extreme, bloody agony right outside their classroom window had already called 911.
My KCPD officer shows up and starts taking a report. He also conveniently chases off a tow truck predator by telling him I had one on the way.
The KCPD officer summoned by the crying school children, the one who put a bullet into Bambi's brain on the children's behalf joined our little group and had some additional info to share.
Apparently, prior to my hitting the deer with my Jeep, someone in urban KC had seen fit to shoot it in the head with an arrow!
Having an arrow through it's head may explain why a docile deer would abandon all caution and attempt to jump a Jeep on a busy street during rush hour!
So I had the Jeep towed to a Jeep dealer in Independence for repairs. My collision deductible through State Farm is only $100.00, so that's survivable.
I had the dealer's shuttle driver take me home where I informed my daughter that I was Commandeering her vehicle while she is on Spring Break,
She asked about the availability of possible Rental/Inconvenience Fees.
A reasonable inquiry if you are making your own car payments and paying for your own insurance.
Otherwise, as in her case, (channelling Samuel L. Jackson) "OH HELL TO THE NO! Now give me those muthafucking keys and shut the fuck up!"
I actually feel bad for the deer.
Life is good. Enjoying a little drink in the stream. Then BAM! Arrow through the head!
DEER: "FUCK! I have an arrow through my head! But YAY! I'm still alive! Run away!"
Then I come along. WHAM!
DEER: "FUCK! I got broadsided by a Jeep at 45mph! But YAY! I'm still alive! Run away!"
Then some school kids call the Po-Po who comes along and pops a cap in it's ass.
That deer had a much worse day than I did.
But that's what it get's for harshing my mellow.