Worker Finds Animal Bones In TKC Manhole

Oops!

My Bad! Typo!

That should have been "Worker Finds Animal Bones In KCK Manhole"

Hey, these things happen. I'm just a blogger. I can't be held to journalistic standards.

No homo.

Easter Eggs

"Easter Eggs" are hidden features in DVDs that reveal little extras to those willing to spend the time to search them out.

My favorite is the Jack Black Easter Egg on the Extended Edition of "The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Rings".

"1.Go to chapter selection on Disk 1.
2.Go to the final chapter (The Council of Elrond) and while chapter is lit up press down on remote
3.You will then uncover a hidden ring, select it and you will uncover Jack Blacks spoof of the council of Elrond"



Back in the day, I had my own version of an "Easter Egg". I always figured that if an employer or a coworker went to all the trouble and effort to search my desk for something incriminating, they deserved a reward for their efforts.

So I always kept this in a desk drawer.





No one ever found it.

Damnit!

That would have been fun!

The Perfect XO Burger

My daughter, young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis, and her friends say I make THE BEST hamburgers. EVER!

She thinks I should have my own cooking show. Personally, I don't think anybody wants to tune in once a week to see me make the same goddamn thing over and over.

It would be like that version of Playboy they came out with specifically for the married man...every month it had pictures of the same woman. It folded faster than the Royals in an exhibition game.

But, what I can do is teach you how to make hamburgers the XO way. Now, there isn't anything revolutionary here. It's just a fucking hamburger for Christ's sake. But it's a pretty goddamn good burger if I do say so myself and I get very consistent results.

Start with the meat. I use a ground beef that is about 85/15 lean.


The 90/10 and above are too lean. Tasteless. Below 85/15 it's just too much fat and grease. So 85/15 is perfect.

Each beef patty should be about a half a pound. Fuck that quarter pounder shit. You ain't at McDonalds and this ain't Burger King. This is MY house. So grab what looks to be a half pound chunk of ground beef.


Now much of the secret to my burgers is the preparation of the patty itself. I've seen people mash them out on a butcher block, press them out with some sort of "As Seen On Tv" kitchen gadget for $19.95.


I've seen people poke a whole through the middle of the patty with their thumbs. What the fuck is up with that? The most common mistakes I see are starting with a patty that is too round (requiring you to spatula it down on the grill...big no no), having rough, irregular edges and inconsistent thickness, or, the worst of all, using preformed, frozen patty's. You should only resort to those if you are having a huge fucking party and can't be bothered.

No, the perfect XO burger requires loving preparation.

You take that half pound hunk of ground beef and you start compressing it between your cupped hands into a roughly spherical shape. Pack it down as tight as you can. Toss it from one hand to another, back and forth.


Then you take this roughly spherical meatball and you start rolling it between your open palms to even out the surface and get it as close to perfectly spherical as you can. The end result should be about the size and shape of a baseball; maybe a little bigger.


Next, you want to take this meatball and start pressing it between the palms of your hands and flattening it out into a patty. Try to press from the center outward in an even and consistent manner. This may take some practice. The goal is to have a beef patty that is evenly flat and round with a smooth, round edge. This isn't just aesthetics. The perfect patty shape helps to sear in the juices and keep your burger moist. A loosely packed patty with jagged edges allows the juices to leak out during grilling, rendering a dry, overdone hockey puck.

The finished product should pretty much cover the flat portion of a standard paper plate. Like this.


Now comes the seasoning! I use 3 or 4.

First, sprinkle some Worcestershire on there.


Then, I like to use McCormick's "Steakhouse Seasoning Grinder",

followed by McCormick's "Peppercorn Medley Grinder".




Don't be stingy! Sometimes, just sometimes, I top this off with a very light sprinkle of Old Bay Blackened Seasoning.


Then you take your spatula and you press all that stuff into the meat! Flip the meat and repeat.


I use a gas grill preheated to 500 degrees. I like to spray a little Pam on the grill to enhance the grill marks as well as make it easy to lift the pattys.


This next part is very, very important. So fucking pay attention.

You throw the patty on the preheated grill, cover it, and leave it the fuck alone for 4 minutes! Don't lift the lid to check on it, don't press it, don't touch it. Leave it the fuck alone for 4 minutes!!

After your timer goes off (yes! use a timer! don't count Mississippi's or estimate. use a fucking timer!) go out, lift the lid, flip the burgers, close the lid and leave it alone for another 4 minutes!

After the second side is done, remove the burgers from the grill, turn off the grill, and let the burgers set while you prepare your buns and condiments.

We like Home Pride Potato Buns here at Casa Onassis. But sometimes we have to settle for something else. Whatever your choice, do NOT settle for those teeny tiny generic Wonder buns. Unless you are cooking up a batch of those frozen preformed pattys for a big party. But if you are choosing a bun for an XO burger, you need a substantial bun! One worthy of the half pound patty you just lifted off the grill.

Everyone has their preferences. My daughter likes her burgers with just ketchup, nothing else.

Personally, I like my buns toasted. Preheat a skillet and lay the buns in dry, flat side down.


It's okay to lift and check them occasionally until they get just the way you like them.


On the bottom bun, I spiral some yellow mustard. The top bun gets a spiral of ketchup.


On the mustardy bottom bun goes a mattress of thinly sliced purple onion as a bed for the meat. If I can find tomato's worthy (in season or on vine...sometimes Roma's) I will put them on the top bun.


I prefer cheeseburgers so I will sometimes break my meat flipping rule to facilitate cheese meltiness. After each side of the patty has cooked for 4 minutes, I have been known to give the patty a gentle squeeze with the spatula, causing a brief grease flareup, flip the burger, lay the cheese on the hot side, close the lid and let the cheese melt a bit before removing from the grill.


I lay the burger cheese-side-up on the onion bed.


I adorn the melty cheese with slices of dill pickle.


The perfect, assembled burger, looks like this.


Accompany with chips or fries, whatever peels your potato.

Best fucking burger you ever tasted. I guarantee!

Fuck a bunch of vegan hippies!

PETA! Peaople Eating Tasty Animals!

If God didn't want us to eat animals he shouldn't have made them out of MEAT!



Fuck a bunch of Westport Flea Market!

Enjoy an XO burger in your own home!

My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma

Last night as I was all dressed and ready waiting for the girlfriend to come over, I noticed that I didn't have my wallet.

I ran upstairs and snatched it off the dresser, securely stuffing it in my back pocket.

I thought "Wow, I'm glad I noticed that. Would hate to go out for dinner and a movie and the girlfriend have to pay for everything because I forgot my wallet! How lame would that be? Whew!"

She picks me up and I suggest eating at Little Richard's Family Restaurant. The movie I had been wanting to see was showing at 8:40 at the Ameristar, so this would be right on the way.

I had a small tenderloin sandwich with steak fries, she had a small hamburger. Both were delish. The girlfriend reached to pick up the check and I protest "I got it!". She says, that's OK, you get the movie. I decided not to argue because the tab at Little Richards wasn't going to be that much.

We get to the boat and head for the movies. On the way in there is a crowd milling about the big showroom and music is blasting out. Seems Alan Parsons was playing tonight. I always wondered how that project of his turned out.

I walk up to the counter to get our tickets to "There Will Be Blood". I pull out my wallet and immediately notice that something is amiss.

My fucking debit card is missing!

I carefully go through my wallet. There's the debit card for my mom's account. There's the card for my rent-paying account (currently empty). There's my purchase card from work. But the debit card that I live on is freaking gone!

The girlfriend comes to the rescue and says "That's okay. We can use mine." So she winds up having to pay for dinner, the movies and refreshments after all. Shit, she even picked me up and drove. I feel like a first class douche.

During a good chunk of the movie, I'm mentally retracing my steps. The last time I used it would have been Thursday afternoon. I went to Price Chopper to pick up a few items. That was when Mike Sanders was in line behind me.

* blink *

Did Mike Sanders snatch my debit card? Was he out buying expensive liquor and cheap hookers on my card?!? Nah. That couldn't be it.

Where else did I go? What else did I do?

And then it hit me. On the way out of Price Chopper I stopped at the ATM to withdraw 20 bucks so I could pick up my shirts at the cleaners. They don't take plastic. Most ATMs these days have what are called "dip readers". Those are the ones where you insert your card and then "remove it quickly". The card never leaves your hand. I like dip readers.

But this particular ATM has one of the older motorized readers that snatches the fucking card out of your hand and holds it like collateral until the transaction is complete. After the ATM is convinced there are no shenanigans occurring, it reluctantly surrenders your card back to you.

So that's what happened. I'm 99% convinced. I walked off stuffing the money and the receipt into my wallet and left my debit card dangling in the breeze like Chester the Molester's johnson for all the world to see.

Now if you don't retrieve your card when it is offered, most all of the ATMs will eat it. But not until several seconds have passed while the ATM is blinking and beeping and drawing attention to itself.

I'm hoping that the ATM ate my card. Then my biggest problem will be going to my bank and getting it replaced.

After I get home, I look up the location of my nearest branch and go to bed with a plan. Get up early, go to the branch, make sure there hasn't been any nefarious activity, and see about getting my replacement.

This morning I decide what the hell, I'll just give Price Chopper a call first. Maybe somebody saw it sticking out of the ATM and maybe they turned it in. Yeah, I live in Independence. But it could happen, right? Not impossible.

So I called Price Chopper, told them what happened, gave them my name and the name of my bank and the guy goes to check.

Guess what? They had my fucking card!!! Unbelievable! Somebody snagged it from the ATM and turned it in! AWESOME!!!

So I get up to the customer service desk, explain who I am and why I'm there, show them a valid ID and VOILA! I'm back in binnis, baby!

Then, on the way back home, I notice that in the time it took me to drive to the store and back, the price of a gallon of gas at 7-11 had dropped 2 cents. I stop and fill up using my fully functional VISA debit card.

I must be living right.

Life is good.

There Will Be Blood - My Review

Well, I finally saw it tonight with the girlfriend.

First impressions while they are still fresh and unencumbered by analysis:

Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano were absolutely fucking brilliant! Out of the park, power house performances.



The whole thing with Daniel's son, H.W.?


I thought it added very little to the movie. Not a whole lot of point to that character. You could have yanked him out of the movie entirely. Everything that character was supposed to reveal about Daniel could have been accomplished without H.W.

The movie as a whole? It was way too slow and it went on for way too long. I think the same story could have been told much more effectively with quicker pacing and a shorter runtime.

Daniel Plainview was a voracious character with an insatiable appetite. He was like a shark and he never stopped eating. The pacing of the movie should have conveyed that same relentlessness. It didn't.

It was almost like Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Day-Lewis came up with the character of Daniel Plainview first and then set out to build a story around him. If so, they shot their creative wad with Plainview and the story was a lot of limp dicked, post coital, wet humping.

Guess there's not much point to adding a "no homo" here, is there?

For me, the best parts of the movie were the realistic depictions of just how primitive and dangerous drilling for oil was in the early days and what a tough sonofabitch you had to be.


Know what? It hasn't changed all that much. Still one of the most dangerous jobs on earth.


If you are a tree hugger who weeps at pictures of penguins and seagulls covered in oil, go easy on the popcorn. The shots of them lifting oil out of the wells in open buckets and dumping it into open pits in the ground will probably induce projectile vomiting for you.

The ending? Meh. I had heard it was a shocker. So I was expecting something shocking. It just wasn't that much of a shocker to me. Actually seemed almost inevitable, given everything that led up to it.

Glad I saw it. I probably owe the girlfriend some flowers for making her sit through it.

I'd almost recommend waiting until it comes out on DVD and watch it at just the first arrow of fast forward.

That should be just about right.