Tuesday, May 02, 2006

"Crack Smokin' Weed Monkeys! Live at 10:00!"


OH MY FUCKING GOD!

They've done the impossible! KSHB's investigative journalists have cracked open the biggest case of The Millinium!

Are you ready for this?

They have discovered STONERS smoking pot, on the job, in (this is unbelieveble) EXCELSIOR SPRINGS, MO!!!

I can only imagine what huge financial resources, undercover intelligence operatives, anonymous tips, law enforcement coordination and just plain old lucky timing all had to come together to find people smoking marijuana in Excelsior Springs, of ALL PLACES!!!

Thank God, (due to KSHB's diligent, investigative journalism) a couple of minimum wage employees lost their jobs and will find it difficult to compete with illegal immigrants for ANOTHER job. Let's all hope that these Evil Doers will never again be able to support their families thanks to Channel 41's dedication to Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The video describes how these workers are endangering the lives of the people in the nursing facility by dispensing drugs while stoned.

I think their lives are FAR MORE endangered by being 120 fucking years old, not being able to recognize anyone they ever knew, sleeping in their own piss, shitting the bed and not eating.

If I were in that state (and had 32 brain cells left), I would buy the pot, roll the joint and offer it to the person about to take care of my sorry ass and say "Here. Smoke this. You'll need it!"

Personally, if my job involved wiping 95 year old shitty asses, I'd probably want to get stoned too.

Actually, the most disturbing piece in this entire video was when the reporter bent over to confront the "perps" in their car and showed an unsuspecting and unwarned viewing public her HUGE, CELLULITE DIMPLED, BIG FLABBY ASS!!!!

I'm so impressed by their journalistic staff that I am prepared to offer some tips for future stories:

1. I've heard that some people in Independence, MO just MIGHT be manufacturing meth.
2. There MAY BE some Service Stations charging upwards of $3.00 a gallon for gas!
3. It's possible that some Johnson County housewives are offering sex to strangers in exchange for, ya know...SEX!
4. Lamar Hunt may be trying to buttfuck poor Jackson County taxpayers in exchange for a Rolling Roof that he dscribes as being "really cool".
5. Some area residents may be TALKING ON CELL PHONES WHILE DRVING instead of paying attention to the cars around them!!

I have other ideas.. Call me!!!

4 comments:

trAcy said...

I love it!

Keep L-I-V-I-N. . .

Dan said...

You have a future in television journalism . . .

Brilliant send-up!

Lunatic Biker said...

XO: Please have your girlfriend write some more. Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy the stupid shit you blubber on about. Oh shit, I better water down my remarks.

Xavier Onassis said...

Lunatic: I'm trying! I'm trying! I encourage her all the time!

I'd rather read what she writes than write what I write.

Right?