Thursday, May 11, 2006

It's all about ME!

Alright. This is an admittedly lame and lazy post. The same meme everyone else is doing. But I've got nothing better to do while I'm waiting for my steak to thaw and I don't have time for my usual intelligent, inciteful, wity and blatantly ill-informed rant.

So you'll just have take this and like it, bitches!

Accent: I don't have an do! Other than 3 years in NJ, I'm a midwesterner and I'm sure I have that same midwestern accent as everyone else.

Booze: Bourbon baby! Preferrably small batch. None of that blended Canadian whiskey crap either. Just plain old Kentucky bourbon. Rather partial to Maker's Mark.

Chore(s) I hate: Dusting and mowing. It just never fucking ends! You do it and it needs doing again!

Dog or cat: Dog, medium rare, with a little horseradish on the side. Made from an actual horse. Seriously, NO PETS! If I wanted to share my home with an animal, I'd have stayed married to my second wife. I don't need hair everywhere, scratch marks on my furniture. And the last thing I want to see when I walk in the door aftter a hard day at work is some little needy furball demanding my attention. Fuck that! Did I mention my second wife?

Essential electronics: All of them. Computer, DLP HD TV, Stereo, MP3, DVD, if it's electronic, I need it. This universal remote is high on my NEED list right now. Buy it for me, PLEASE!!! I'll be your best friend!!!

Favorite Cologne: I like to mix things up. Right now it's Unforgiven. Also a big Paul Sebastian fan. I like to smell good. I like it when women catch a whiff of me and get all weak in the knees.

Gold or Silver: Gold if I'm wearing black (usually), silver if I'm wearing blue. Never turquoise!!

Hometown: Right now, Liberty, MO.

Insomnia: No. I sleep like a fucking log. A nuclear blast couldn't wake me. A woman wanting to have sex with me couldn't wake me. But while we are on the subject of sleep, what does "I slept like a baby" mean? I hear that all the time. I have a daughter. I remember what it was like when she was a baby. Does it mean "I slept for 2 hours, shit my pants then woke up crying with an overpowering desire to suck some titty?" Which leads me to another annoying saying..."Like taking candy from a baby!". Ever tried that???

Job Title: Systems Analyst. That means I translate what REAL, NORMAL people want a computer to do into language that a programmer can understand. Because those two groups, they don't communicate so well! I'm like a translator at the U.N.

Kids: Yep! One. Best little 12 year old to ever walk the planet! Had a vasectomy immediately thereafter. Figured if you go bowling for the first time and have a perfect 300 game...just quit. It can only go downhill from there.

Living arrangements: Sold a hundred year old monstrosity in the boonies and am currently renting a PERFECT HOUSE in Liberty. I'm pretty much "over" the "joys of homeownership". Fuck that. I live alone and enjoy it immensely (did I mention my second wife?). But I have the best girlfriend in the world whom I love intensely, and a daughter who makes me proud to be her father. Life is good!

Most admirable traits: I am absolutely, 100% loyal and monogomous to the woman I love.

Not going to cop to: If I told you that, wouldn't I be "copping" to it? TRICK QUESTION!! TRICK QUESTION!!

Overnight hospital stays: I'm fifty fucking years old. I smoke, I drink and I have wild sex with loose women. What do YOU think?

Phobias: Heights. Airplanes don't bother me. I understand the laws of aerodynamics and I trust them. I'd even LOVE to go into space. But balancing my clumsey ass on a ladder scares the fucking shit out of me.

Quote: "Another person’s belief neither picks my pocket nor breaks my bones.” - Thomas Jefferson

Religion: Absolutely NONE! Faith = "Belief without evidence". Fuck that.

Siblings: Yes.

I wake up: Around 5am, cranky, not happy about it, but at least I have a big woody. I got that workin' for me.

Unusual talent or skill: I've been told that the sound of my voice can make a woman orgasm. Call me!

Vegetable I love: I hate eating vegetables!!! It's so much trouble getting them in and out of their wheelchairs!! Life is too short! Know what I mean?

Worst habit: Smoking. Like a fucking chimney!

X-rays: What kind of stupid fucking question is this?? I'm fifty fucking years old! I've had enough X-rays to make a Hiroshima survivor say "You should be careful!!" Fuck you!

Yummy foods I make: The best fucking beef stew you've ever tasted!!

Zodiac sign: Virgo. Ya know, the sign of the Virgin. Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!