Friday, November 24, 2006


We'll start this little journey someplace familiar. Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, MO! Home of the Kansas City Chiefs! They beat the Broncos on Thanksgiving. That makes them 7-4 for the season. They have a shot. Go Chiefs.

It sits right next to Kauffman Stadium. Home of the Kansas City Royals who haven't won a game since 1985. Fucking losers.

This is Kansas City. Can you spot the stadium complex? I purposely made sure that you couldn't see my house in this shot because I don't need all you motherfuckers dropping by unannounced wanting to eat my food, drink up all my liquor and watch my big TV. You know you would.

This is the "Midwest". Some people try to lump places like Ohio, Indiana and Illinois into the midwest. That's bullshit. The midwest is Missouri, Kansas, Iowa and Nebraska. That's it. Hell, St. Louis barely qualifies as midwestern. They have that Gateway Arch and like to bill themselves as the place where the West begins. My ass. St. Louis is just where the East finally peters out.

This is most of the U.S. I sliced off a bit of California, but who gives a shit. That's pretty much what it will look like when the San Andres gives way.

Earth. At least the North-American-Centric view of Earth. Look at how close Cuba is to the tip of Florida. Now look how far away Alaska and Hawaii are from, well, fucking everything. How is it that Hawaii and Alaska are states, but Cuba ain't? I say somebody screwed the pooch on that one.

These are some of the smaller planets orbiting the sun. We are the largest of them. After 4 million years of hominid habitation, we still haven't completely explored our own planet. We are continually making new discoveries. We've only visited these other planets briefly and with robots.

These are the largest planets orbiting our sun. There is a huge, 300 year old, hurricane-like storm on Jupiter that could swallow our entire planet whole. There are also moons of Jupiter and Saturn with atmospheres and oceans possibly harboring life. Hundreds of exotic places that we have barely even discovered, let alone explored, right in our own Solar system.

This is the sun. Our sun. The same one you see shining outside your window right now. From this perspective, the earth is a grain of sand and we are dust mites. Everyone and everything that has ever lived and died, did it on that little bitty fucking grain of sand. In a few billion years, the sun will explode, as all good stars do, and incinerate our little pebble...whether we are still on it or not. The sun doesn't care. A stars got to do what a stars got to do...go supernova.

Our sun isn't even that big. It's a type of star called a Yellow Dwarf. Now you know why. Arcturus is an Orange Giant.

But "giant" is a relative term. Depends on your perspective.

This is a typical spiral galaxy, pretty much like the one we are in. Every point of light you see is a star or a cluster of stars. Contains at least one trillion (1,000,000,000,000) stars, like the ones I described above. Maybe more. Multiply 1,000,000,000,000 stars by the number of likely planets, moons, comets and strange objects in our own solar system. If you were standing at the far right hand side of this galaxy and turned on a really powerful flashlight, the people on the left hand side of the galaxy wouldn't see it for 170,000 years. That's pretty fucking big. Gotta be a whole lot of weird, cool and amazing shit out there.

This is a small galactic cluster.

This is a medium sized galactic cluster.

This is a large galactic cluster.

There are trillions of galaxies in the universe. Each with it's own individual star systems, planets, moons, comets, astroids and most likely, critters of some sort. Given the incredible diversity in the universe, I have to think that it is an absolute certainty that there is life out there. Probably lots of it. Probably smarter than us. I sure as fuck hope so. I'd hate to think we were as good as it gets.

Just for the sake of argument, let's assume that a universe this vast, and this spectacular could not be a random occurence. Personally, I don't have a problem with it being one big coincidence. But, let's just say it's not.

Do you really think that a hypothetical all-powerful, all-knowing God, responsible for the creation of EVERYTHING in this incredibly vast universe would really give a flying fuck how you voted in the last election? Whether or not a couple of gay guys get married? Whether or not you keep Kosher or go on The Hajj?

Get over yourselves. You're not that fucking important. You need to look at the Big Picture and put things in perspective.

If there is a God, he/she/it doesn't care who scores the touchdown in next Sunday's football game, whether or not your cousin's neice gets an abortion, or if we conduct research on embryonic stem cells.

The universe is an incredibly vast, chaotic and violent place where things do not always happen for a reason.

Whether there is a god or not, we are on our own, folks. We have to figure out how to live together on this planet (and hopefully other planets) without killing each other over who has the coolest god or the most oil. There isn't going to be any divine intervention (on either side) that will swoop down and make everything OK.

It's up to us.

So there. You have your homework assignment. Start working on figuring out a way that everyone in the world can live together in peace and not be killing each other over stupid shit all the time. Better get busy. It might take you a while.

Me? I'm going to fix myself a turkey sammich and go for a walk.

Have a nice day.


travelingal said...

I have read ...

It is estimated that approximately 50 trillion people have inhabited Planet Earth since the beginning of time.

Sounds like a lot..

Till you compare it to the fact that our national debt is approaching 9 trillion dollars.

Tidbits from Travelingal to go along with your rather spectacular blog today.

Xavier Onassis said...

Why, thank you very much!

William said...

I can't find the part about me being the center of this vast universe.

emawkc said...


Once again you're right. None of it really matters. We should just nuke the entire middle east until they glow. Put them out of everyone's misery.

Hell, in the grand scheme of things, it only shorten's their existence by an infinitely fractional amount.

And, cosmically speaking, it doesn't really end their existence. It only changes the form of their existence.

Iwanski said...

THis is one of the greatest things ever written on a blog.

I have to re-evaluate everything now.

Nightmare said...

LIVE TOGETHER?? What are you kidding me? I say we have done such a crappy job of doing that for the last million years or so that we need to have a nuclear war so we can blow ourselves back to single cell organisms and start over. Fuck this planet and all of the self involved jackasses who think they are all that and a bag of plasma.

LP Cards Fan said...

Well said. Well documented. From the selfish perspective I hope someone in the blogosphere comes up with a "everyone get along" plan instead of the nuclear option.

Let me say as a Cardinals fan I wish the Royals had last won a game in 1984 but water under the bridge.

And just how would you identify those of us in Illinois if we're not in the Midwest. We sure as hell aren't easterners!

Xavier Onassis said...

William - That's because you are NOT the center of the universe. Clearly, I am. All empirical evidence that I have seen certainly points to that conclusion.

emaw and Nightmare - to quote Treebeard, "Let's not be hasty". I'd kind of like to try the "let's spread out into the universe where we can all do our own thing" option first. You hate everyone who's not Sunni Muslim? Fine. Here's a habital planet. Go be Sunni Muslims. Here's a chunk of the kabba to take with you. Go, enjoy, have fun. Hindus? Jews? Backward-ass fundementalist Christians? Here. There are plenty of planets for everybody. Go nuts.

Iwanski - Thank you. I'm flattered. Get back to me on the re-evaluation of your core beliefs and let me know how that worked out for you.

Cards Fan - Until someone invents a Time Machine, 1985 is written in stone. Live with it. Sorry to sound so harsh, but 1985 is all we have to cling to. You understand, I'm sure. Can you spell C U B S?"

OK, Illinois as a state could be considered a sort of eastern-most, northern-most, pseudo-midwestern state. But Chicago is just Chicago. It doesn't really fit anywhere (I mean that in a good way). It's in a class by itself. I really need to get up there someday.

Thanks for stopping by everybody!

JW said...

Great post. We need to take out an ad for this in People magazine. Maybe we could stop talking about Britney and Paris for a day.
This is the reason I like Barack Obama. He says enough of the bull shit... let's work on real problems. If we can't find a common future together, we're doomed.

Lunatic Biker said...

One of my favorite descriptions of people is to describe someone as having a bug up their ass. Good post. Jeez though, I don't drink anymore and would bring you a bottle of good whiskey. Oh well, there's nothing good on tv anyway.

djobe said...

Great post, hope you don't mind me linking to it. In the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't think you would care....seeing how insignificant it is anyway.

Joshua Xalpharis said...

It's truly sad that we have not even begun to truly explore the universe.

It's not like have a shortage of Assmonauts, right?

Which you have formal permission to use at will.

Is it too much to ask that I want to do a fly-by around Antares? Even if I have to be a light-year or so away to prevent from being caught in the gravity-well.

I want to see that big shining bastard!

Eric Rogers said...

Yup, KC is the real gateway to the west, St. Louis was just the exit from the East.

Anonymous said...

All you people who is a non-believer have some respect to the ones who has faith in them. i dont think any of you would like to have nasty comments of what ever you are. Atleast, have some sense of humor, some respect and humanity.

Otherwise, you will find yourself in a difficult situation where you can not get out of. As they say what goes around will come around. So think twice of what you say, otherwise you would be destroyed in this world and the next.

Anonymous said...

you gays, lesbians and atheis have no space in this world. i think you lot should fuck off as you are not excepted in this world or the next.

Oi, Xavier Onassis you are going to burn in hell for creating this kind of website. Why dont you get a life before its too late for you. Oh dear dont you look terrible, ugly, discusting, sick, revolting person. Maybe if change yourself, you would look better in person

Anonymous said...

You gays, lesbians and atheis are getting fucked all the time by the devil. You may not realise but its true. Fix yourself up, come to reality before your in trouble.

Anonymous said...



I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores.
You woke up without a
prayer. As a matter of fact, you didn't even bless
your meals, or pray before going to bed last night.
You are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot
tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your
way of living. Fool, you are mine. Remember, you and I
have been going steady for years, and I still don't
love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you, because
I hate what Allah made out of dirty clay and told us
to bow it. How could I bow a dirty clay, when I am
made from fire. "I" am more superior then you. "I"
don't make mistakes. Whatever "I" do, is right. I am
only using you to prove Allah (God) is wrong.

He kicked me out of Jannah (Heaven), and I'm going to
use you as long as possible to prove I am right and I
am better then you fools, in every sense. My life (my
last resting place) is Hell, but what ever time Allah
(God) has granted me, I will do my best to take as
many of you fools as possible with me, to Hell.

You see, Fools, ALLAH LOVES YOU and HE has great plans
in store for you. I know that I have no power on you if you haven't
yielded your life to me and don't forget that I made a
promise to Allah (God) that I'm going to make your
life a living hell. That way we'll be together twice.
This will really hurt Allah (God). Thanks to you. I'm
really showing Him who's better from us, and Allah
(God) has made a mistake.
With all of the good times we've had... We have been
watching dirty movies, cursing people out, partying,
going to discos, staying out late with friends,
stealing, lying, being hypocritical, indulging in
fornication, overeating, telling dirty jokes,
gossiping, back stabbing people, disrespecting adults
and those in leadership position, NO respect for the
mosque, bad attitudes: SURELY you don't want to give
all this up!
Come on, Fools, let's burn together forever.
I've got some really hot plans for us.

This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you.
I'd like to say "THANKS" for letting me use you for
most of your foolish life. You are so gullible, I
laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, you give in
HA HA HA, you make me sick. Sin is beginning to take
its toll on your life. You look 20 years older, I need
new blood. So go ahead and teach some children how to
sin. All you have to do is smoke, drink alcohol,
cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and listen and dance
to the top 10 jams.
Do all this in the presence of children too, and they
will do it too. Kids are like that. Your children will
be with us in Hell too. That's the best you and I can
give to your children.

Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back
in a couple of seconds to tempt you again.

If you don't get smart, you wouldn't run somewhere,
confess your sins, live for Allah (God) with what little
bit of life that you have left. It's not my nature to warn anyone,
but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming a bit
ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you ...
and I wont go to Hell alone!

Always waiting for you,

Shaytan .. Devil .. Iblis

P.S. -And if you really love me, you won't share this
letter with anyone! "

Anonymous said...