Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Formula For Disaster.

When I met my soon-to-be 2nd wife (at a Johnny Johnson show at the Grand Emporium), she had been divorced for less than a year.

Prior to that, she had been married for almost 20 years to a guy who sold shady life insurance to minorities and she had 2 mostly grown kids.

When I met her she was already heavily involved with some married Mexican auto-worker who had zero credit and only dealt in cash and treated her like crap.

I rode in like Sir Galahad and “rescued” her.

[Brief recap – woman with 20 years worth of un-dealt-with baggage, obvious marriage-ending affair that she claimed wasn’t an affair but just a relationship with a friend that blossomed after the divorce which she repeatedly described as “just the two of them, against the world”. RED FLAG! RED FLAG!]

We were married on May 1st. That’s right. MAYDAY. You know, what steely-eyed fighter pilots yell into the radio when they are going down in flames. That would probably be another BIG RED FLAG.

We got married and had a kid (young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis). All of that un-dealt-with baggage from her previous marriage got imported into and superimposed on our relationship. Things I did were always compared to things he did. Or didn't do. I had no clean slate. Ever.

After almost 10 years of marriage, she had an affair with my best friend’s older brother.

Six weeks after our divorce was final, she married him.

[Recap Redux: 20 years worth of un-dealt-with first marriage baggage + 10 years worth of un-dealt-with second marriage baggage + persistent denial about repeated infidelity = 30 years worth of psycho-bitch-from-hell dropped in the lap of an old free-spirited, ex-hippy who lived in a camper at Crystal Lakes and only worked when he felt like it. He was now forced to get a job to support his new wife so he parlayed his Vietnam era Marine service into a job as a night-shift janitor at a Post Office in KCK cleaning other people’s piss off of toilets and mopping floors all night. Soar with the eagles, dude! Soar with the fucking eagles!]

I almost felt sorry for the guy. I was sorely tempted to send him 2 cards every year on their anniversary. A sympathy card and a thank you card in the same envelope.

I predicted at the time that they would last 5 years, tops! I reached this figure using my “Marriage Half-Life” theory soon to be published in the prestigious peer-reviewed journal, “Bitter Old Vindictive Assholes” or BOVA as it’s known in the trade.

I haven’t worked out the actual formula, but it’s something about “In the absence of introspection and self-awareness, each subsequent marriage will self-destruct in just half the time of the previous marriage.” So, 1st marriage was 20 years, second marriage was 10 years, third marriage had to self destruct in 5 years. It’s just a law of nature.

I was dead-on accurate!

Things are falling apart right on schedule and in a most bizarre manner!

My ex is attending AA meetings.

Her hubby spends most of his time at home in the backyard tree house that he constructed for my daughter (probably smoking weed, based on what I know about him…and trying to stay away from his wife, based on what I know about her…I used to spend a lot of the time in the basement working on “projects”).

In a frank discussion with my daughter about the current situation, my ex told her that “if it weren’t for alcohol, your daddy and I probably would have been married forever.”

My unofficial, unvoiced response…” THANK GOD FOR ALCOHOL!!

Well, today it became official. My ex won the election, she is the Mayor of Splitsville! She and my daughter moved out today. The ex moved in with her daughter from the 1st marriage. For now, my daughter is with me.

I have no idea how all of this is going to shake out. All my daughter wants to do is get back to the town she has lived in since she was 3 years old. Every friend she has is 30 miles away. She was really looking forward to starting high school next year. Now, depending on where her mom finds a job, she faces the prospect of starting high school in a town yet to be determined (but probably a lot larger than what she is used to) where she doesn’t know a single soul.

Starting high school in a strange town where you don’t know anyone is a recipe for disaster. Teenagers anxious to fit in and make friends tend to make bad decisions of Biblical proportions.

So far, at 14, she is the coolest, most well-adjusted, level-headed, intelligent, skeptical, witty, charming and beautiful person I know. She gets straight A’s and has never been in any kind of trouble. She has no problem dropping friends like bad habits if they start heading down the wrong path.

I don’t want anything to fuck that up! Nothing is more important to me than my daughter, her happiness, and her future.

The ex? I could give a shit. She crapped the bed, she can wallow in it for all I care.

My only concern is for my daughter.


meesha.v said...

Damn, after all this why does your x have primary custody?(does she?) Just to get child support?Doesn't history of alcoholism make her unfit? Time to cal Rubens,Case,Rubens,Cambiano and Bryant.(This is the first American Law firm I learned of while watching reruns of Beverly Hillbillies). If you live in a good school district in the long run she may be better off going to a larger school.

Spyder said...

Good luck dude! Hopefully things will be settled before school starts in fall.

Xavier Onassis said...

meesha - we have joint custody with unlimited visitation. Daughter lives with the ex because the ex still lives in the school district where daughter was thriving.

None of the infidelity or alcoholism issues were brought up in the divorce proceedings. Missouri is a "no fault" divorce state. That means virtually every divorce is due to "irreconcilable differences". No one is to blame. These things just happen. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

Oh does this suck. XO, why don't they warn you when you have kids that they will CONSTANTLY break your heart with their vulnerability? I know it's small consolation, but I feel the parental sinking stomach on your behalf. I REALLY hope this comes together for you guys so she can maintain what she has.

travel said...

Seems to me she would be better off living with you. Her life has been uprooted and the stability you give her will help her adjust to a new school and friends.

Keith Sader said...

There's a corollary to theory, which I will try to make witty in writing.

1. First marriage fails - ok maybe you two were too young, didn't know enough whatever. You're still a decent person with a chance at love.
2. Second marriage fails - maybe you're a slow learner, maybe you just got bitten by bad luck, rebound relationship etc.
3. Third marriage fails - the problem is you :-)

TraceyTreasure said...

Your daughter is very lucky to have you. Is there any way that she can stay in her school even if she lives with you? I sure hope so. You're a great dad from what I can tell.

Faith said...

The Twin and I moved to a new high school our freshman year. We were removed from a school system where we were popular, had many friends, and loved being in because my mom was worried we would turn out like our older brother. I think...

Anyway, Twin wound up dropping out of high school our sophomore year, and going on independent study. I stuck it out until the last half of my senior year, then I did the same.

I turned out ok. Twin wound up being pretty fucked up by the time we were 16, but I really think that had a lot to do with her level of spoilage over mine, to be honest.

I made friends easily; she did not. I liked school and my attendance record was important to me. Not so much for her.

What we did when we moved to the new school our sophomore year (the first one we went to our freshman year was a Catholic school, and it didn't really work out for us, so we moved on to public school the year after) was got involved in activities prior to the year starting. We joined the flag team, but GTO could do something less geeky, should it be the case that it's as geeky as our flag team was at our school. (The dance team was much cooler, and still performed at halftime shows for football, and competed in competitions and stuff...)

It helped us make friends before the school year started. And then the year after that (I was done after one year of that shit!) I got involved in the wrestling team. I took stats. It was fun.

Anyway, that's my suggestion, if she winds up staying with you.

I'm sure everything will work out fine. It's all in the way you handle it as her parent, really. If you think it's a bad situation, chances are she'll pick up that vibe, and carry it with her. Be strong, man! This could turn out to be a good thing...

Xavier Onassis said...

crseum, travel & tracey - GTO lives (or lived) in Richmond. Population about 6000. If she lived with me, she would be tossed into the middle of the Independence School system. Great schools, but really, REALLY BIG! She would just get lost. We have already kicked around the idea of her living back in Richmond with her best friend, if it comes to that.

faith - thanks for the encouraging words. If it happens, I hope GTO turns out good like you and not all fucked up to hell and back like your twin. I'M KEEDING! I KEED!

sader - so true! Their comes a point in life where the ONLY thing that all of your fucked up relationships, missed opportunities and bad choices have in common is YOU.

jt said...

Sounds like your daughter's got a good head. Regardless of circumstances, she may be one of those shining jewels that come out on top.

jt said...

Have 'nother thing to say - I totally agree with Keith Sader, lol! My ex is on his third failing marrige, and it still isn't his fault. I have yet to see the third time be the charm.