Thursday, September 23, 2010

Friendships vs. Relationships

So, I posted this offhand comment on my Facebook page yesterday about how I was becoming increasingly "...convinced that having lots of cool female friends is way better than having a "girlfriend". 95% of the good, 0% of the bad."

While this isn't entirely true, it's mostly true. But that's not really the point.

The point is, a conversation ensued.

"MY BFF: lmfao!!! It's totally true.. I do way more for you than I would ever do for some scumbag boyfriend, and you are way better to me than any scumbag bastard loser fucking cock sucking prick boyfriend has ever been to me. lmfao! Apparently I'm having a day. lol

ME: This why we will always be BFFs! We take care of each other and we have each other's back!

MY BFF: Indeed we do my friend, indeed we do. See you tonight!

Sandy (old GF): He's baaaaaaaaaack

ME: LOL! I never go away, Sandy! I'm like a fucking boomerang. I might fly off on an adventure from time to time, but I always circle back to where I started. It's like a goddamn law of nature. But, you know this about me. ;-)

Sandy (old GF): Oh yes I do, that's why I love you and think of you often."

Then, after this kumbaya hug-fest among old friends, some Facebook troll dropped by and started saying this shit:

Ross wrote:
"Lots of cool girlfriends means you never find that one cool girlfriend...cant have both...shed the "female friends" and open the door to possibilities..."

Ross wrote:
"Cant have is about choosing...Id love to have 2 girlfrirnds but it doesnt work that way....thats what makes them special, that there isnt all the other women around...most women who have a special man int heir life would sounds all nice and popular but it doesnt work...maybe the reason you havent found that special one is that you allow other women in your life..close friendships with the opposite sex is a form of intimacy..."

Ross wrote:
"there is a natural order of things (boundries) and one reason so many men and women are unhappy is that they fight that natural order...why do married people hang with married people...why do people seek intimacy with one person...its call intimacy...otherwise its cant have a relationship with a woman or man and have all these other intimate relationships with the opposite sex..its unnatural"

Well! Needless to say, shit got ugly. My BFF went all Richmond on him, had a little "come to Jesus meeting" with him, and now he ain't so fucking "chatty" no more. In fact, he doesn't seem to even be online anymore. Deleted all of his comments and crawled back under a rock. Dayum.

But this too (although incredibly entertaining), is not the point.

The point is, I want to know your thoughts on the following question (BTW, this is asked from a 'straight' perspective...obviously a 'gay' perspective would elicit a different array of answers):

QUESTION: If you enter into a committed, intimate, long-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex (including but not limited to marriage), are you allowed to keep your close friends of the opposite sex or do you have to cut them loose in order to make your new relationship work?


P.S. - As a man who's closest friends are all women, including my first wife and many former girlfriends, I already know the answer to this question and am not seeking "advice". Just curious about what other people think. There are no "wrong answers".



Average Jane said...

Absolutely! I have friends of all genders. The important word there is FRIEND. As long as everyone understands what friendship entails, everything's cool.

Anonymous said...

Well my hubby and I talked about this so here goes my hubby says that as long as the old friend isn't a fuck Buddy or a old flame then there should not be a prob. as long as it is ok with the wife or new girlfriend or hubby ??? now I think yeah that part is true and I do have a BFF and my hubby and I have went out with him and had drinks but he has since married and so life goes on but I know if I need him or he needs me I am there and so would he!!! so I vote YES keep your friend and that should teach the troll not to poke the fucking bear

Poodles said...

Oh god, my relationship with my best friend would make Ross' head explode. I have many male friends, many female friends, both gay and straight of both genders. My best friend is a man who I once had a relationship with, who is now gay. (Boom, there goes Ross' head). My BFF and I are as close as two people can be without sex (anymore). I call him my gay husband. My husband and his husband know that we are very important to each other and he and I share a certain intimacy in the way we interact. You've seen my husband (The Hulk), it's probably a good think he isn't the jealous type.

Poodles said...

"good thing" I hate when I miss a typo.

Linda said...

The more the merrier. Look at the person and what attracts your partner to that friendship. If you're insecure or threatened, there are probably greater issues. The love of my life and I hang out with his former fiancé (whom I adore) and the guy who deflowered me. You really can't expect one person to encompass every single trait you admire in another human. As long as the lines are clear and communication is open, I think it's wonderful to have friends with differing strengths, perspectives and experiences.

Donna said...

Since I have no friends, male or female, except my husband and relatives... I sit on the sidelines saying "I don't have a clue."

Xavier Onassis said...

Average Jane - Agreed!

Anonymous - I think this may be the first time you actually posted a comment here instead of just reading! Thanks!

Poodles - If Hulk doesn't feel compelled to SMASH him, it must be all good. You prove my point.

Linda - You and Vince know exactly what I'm talking about!

Donna - Then you can be my friend. I'm mostly harmless.

GB, RN said...

I grew up with a house full of boys. I find I have an easier time relating to them than girls, who can get all catty and dramatic. I have some female friends, but I have some close male friends too.

No matter who I have a relationship, I make clear right off the bat that my friends were there before, and I'm not ditching them to assauge someone's insecurities.

Faith said...

I have more girlfriends now than I used to, whether through the blog, or through my husband, or through other random connections in life. But every week, Leo and I head up to the bar to hang out with a bunch of dudes that we're acquaintances with, and one of them happens to be what I'd consider a very good friend. Who I used to kiss on the mouth before hooking up with Leo.

They're mostly over their jealousies of each other, though, so it doesn't cause problems for us at all.

Having loads of friends, regardless of gender, is awesome. Particularly when one is single. I see abslutely nothing wrong with your little revelation, XO. I think it's fab, in fact! :D

Nuke718 said...

Since it ate my longer comment...

My friends are as important as my family. If a woman can't handle either in my life I don't see a relationship working.

Dan said...

Ever since I got married 28 years ago, I just don't enjoy talking to other women. I don't want to be friends with any of them, either, because everything good or valuable that any woman could add to my life is supplied by my wife.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

If the committed relationship is solid, then continued friendship with the old flame or close friend is not a problem. My married daughter's best friend is a man she has known for 20 years. At one time, they were briefly also lovers and her husband probably knows that although she has never come right out and told him. She and her friend adore each other, would do anything for one another, BUT she and her husband have a deep love and committed relationship and so there is no apparent jealousy.

I will say this though ... if my daughter's marriage ever fell apart, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see her hook back up with her friend in a romantic way. And, I would bet her husband wouldn't be surprised either.

Me...I'm a scorpio...once an ex lover, friendship does not follow.

KC Sponge said...

Good friends are too much of what's right in the world to drop them because they have a vagina, or don't have a vagina. To drop one because your girlfriend or husband or dog is jealous is as stupid as non-co-ed dorms.

Well Hell Michelle said...

I agree with all the comments above, (except Dan... wtf?). Greg and I always said we were a packaged deal... people we dated knew the deal and had to accept it or move along...

Anonymous said...

I think Anon 9:07 might be momma bear.. lol ;) I agree Michelle.

I think if a man in my life were to ever say, it's me or him, he really wouldn't be respecting nor understanding 1. our friendship 2. me. So, I don't know.. I would prolly pull out a ball punch and move on.

Dont know, can't say we've really had this problem yet since we both suck ass at relationships. LOL!!! Guess we'll find out our own answer once we get there eh? ;) Now, back to shark submarines..

BFF out.

Dan said...

Michelle - I hoped my comment was sooo stupid that anyone who knows me would know I was kidding - especially since I count many of the women in the blogging community as good friends.

I need a sarcasm tag, I guess!

Joe said...

I'm pals with my second ex wife Marie, and have a few gal pals who I'm not as close with as I have been in the past. Sandra has a few issues with me having gal pals, her past husbands and dad couldn't keep it in their pants and she doesn't see "platonic" in her dictionary. Or "I had sex with so and so a few times a long time ago but I'm totally faithful to you", which seems to get by her as well.
Sandra doesn't have any close guy pals, but I hope I'd be as understanding as I want her to be to me and my gal pals.

Spyder said...

Well I'm glad that Dan clarified because I thought his account was hacked.
We both have male & female friends. Most are friends with both of us. I don't feel the need to chaperon each BSG game or side job.
If ever I found out that there was extra curricular activity him keeping it in his pants would be the least of his worries.