Friday, October 14, 2011

The Free Market - Fuck Yeah!



You hear it over and over again.

If the Government would just get out of the way with it's "job killing" regulations and let the Free Market loose, all of our problems would be solved. It is Government regulations that are strangling Small Businesses in this country and preventing people like you and me from realizing The American Dream.

Well you know what? I couldn't agree more!

You see, several years ago I concocted what I call "XO's Triple Punch Magical Ointment and Bag Balm (for external use only)".

The "Triple Punch" comes from the FACT that it is GUARANTEED to cure Childhood Leukemia, Muscular Dystrophy and Spina Bifida. It will also soften rough skin on your elbows and heels.

Now, I know that there is a HUGE market out there willing to snatch this product up at whatever price the market will bear! Desperate parents with extremely sick children who have exhausted every option the Main Stream MedicoPharma Industrial Complex has to offer.

But those Goddamn Government Regulations are cock-blocking me at every turn! If the Government would just get the fuck out of my way, I could start my own business, create new jobs and start living the American Dream.

The first thing we need to do is abolish the Federal Trade Commission! The FTC thinks it is there job to tell me what I can and cannot say in my own advertising for my own product! The arrogance!

They say that unless I have proof from ANOTHER Government Agency, the Food and Drug Administration, that my ointment really does all of the things I claim it does, then I can't say that in my ads and on the labels!

Now, I don't think the Federal Government should be in the business of picking "winners and losers"! Let the Free Market decide who wins and who loses!

If the parent of a sick child buys my ointment, uses as directed (the instructions clearly state that the users must add Faith to maximize effectiveness) and the child dies anyway, well, I will probably lose that family's business. That's the way a Free Market works!

And once we enact Real Tort Reform, they won't be able to bring any frivolous law suits against me. The label clearly states that they had to add Faith. Clearly they didn't add enough. It's not my fault if they didn't use my product as directed.

So I have to agree with the Tea Party and the rest of the Right Wing Free Market Zealots. Get the Government the fuck out of my way so I can put "XO's Triple Punch Magical Ointment and Bag Balm (for external use only)" in the medicine cabinet of every desperate parent of a terminally ill child.

God Bless Capitalism, God Bless The Free Market, and God Bless The United States of America!

CHA CHING!

9 comments:

Old Fart said...

Come on XO, lets not just jump on the crazy ass people on the extreme right. The left has its fair share of lunatics.

Most people who talk about reforming government business regulations realize there needs to be "some" oversight. But not down to the minutia level that we have now... such as making people who want to cut hair get a license from the state, or requiring hours upon hours of filling out forms to get permits and licenses that cost thousands just to a product.

Sure, regulate whether or not a business can make wild, unprovable, claims about their bag balm, or whether or not it needs to be safe to put on a persons skin... but don't make the owner get permission just to try to sell a product that people want.

Most of the lame ass license requirments are because current business owners want to limit competition and the unions/trade groups want to control who gets a piece of the pie. And believe it or not, license and permit fees are some of the biggest hurdles put up in front of prospective small businesses. So it's both the left AND the right hurting small business.

Xavier Onassis said...

Old Fart - I am 100% in favor of requiring someone who wants to cut hair to get a business license. If you walk into a barber shop, don't you want to know that the barber meets at least a minimum set of standards? Or is it OK with you if some plumber gets tired of cleaning up other people's shit and decides "Fuck it. I'm buying a pair of scissors and calling myself a barber."?

When I walk into an auto mechanics shop, I want to see that State Certification on the wall. I don't want some disgruntled fucktard who got tired of working at Dunkin Donuts buying a couple of wrenches and going into business as a mechanic.

The same for dog breeders. They should be regulated to ensure the health and safety of the animals in their care. Don't you think? Or should anyone be allowed yo crowd a bunch of dogs together in unsanitary conditions, go cheap on the chow and call themselves a kennel?

Keith Sader said...

XO in the words of that great American Mel Gibson

FREEDOM!!!!!

Old Fart said...

["Fuck it. I'm buying a pair of scissors and calling myself a barber."]

Sure, why not? It's not like he's building rocket ships, or performing brain surgery. He's cutting hair. If you don't like the Beiber hair do you get, you don't go back, and your hair grows back... or you get smart and shave the shit off.

What about the state licenses required to be an interior decorator. Put the green shag rug there. Put the orange curtains on that window. Put the red leather sofa there. Hang that happy tree picture on that wall. You don't need to take an exam to fucking decorate... but it's about limiting competition, not actually doing the job government should be taking care of, safeguarding our rights.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Because of people like XO who try to market things like XO's Triple Punch Magical Ointment and Bag Balm (for external use only), I am now enjoying a pension for the rest of my life. It was a damn good job, too, working for that evil drug company.

Thank you very much, XO.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Forgot to sign my post,
I Travel for Jools
ex Director, Regulatory Affairs
Evil Drug Company

Xavier Onassis said...

Jools - Heh heh heh! Good one!

Morrison said...

Medical Malpractice, from REAL DOCTORS, kills over 100,000 people a year, by the AMA's OWN STATISTICS.

Its a GOLDMINE for lawyers.

Just ask the two Raytown Traffic Lawyer Nobodies who are now RICH from simply referring such cases to High Dollar Pal of theirs!

Superdave said...

I agree with Old Fart.

We need some things regulated but not to the extreme it has become.

And what is safe and what isn't should not be left up to the eye of the beholder.

It's just so sad we have become a country of bullies and paid off greedy fuckers. As Steppenwolf said in the song Monster "The cities have turned into jungles and corruption is strangling the land". And this was said back in the early 70's and look at it now 40 some years later.

There is no such thing as a free market, free lunch or free anything it appears. Some how some way it all has strings attached to it.