Open Letter to Newt Gingrich

Dear Newton Leroy Gingrich,

When evaluating your qualifications to be President of the United States and Leader of the Free World, here are some Cliff Notes of things that voting Americans DON'T want in their Commander In Chief:

Dodging the draft in Vietnam through creative deferments.

Cheating on your first wife.

Divorcing your first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer.

Cheating on your second wife (who was the woman you were having an affair with while you were married to your first wife with the cancer) with an ambitious, paid, Campaign aide.

Divorcing your second wife after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and confessing to friends that she wasn't "young enough" to be a First Lady to The President.

Presenting the American people with a former cheating slut repackaged as a spooky looking, mute Stepford Wife with helmet-hair and creepy eyes as a potential First Lady.

All of the people who know you and worked with you can't stand you, think you would be a HORRIBLE president and would sooner see you die in a fire than get elected.

Blaming "The Media" for rightfully pointing out that you are a liar, a hypocrite, and completely full of shit.

Proposing the establishment of a Moon Base which could someday petition to become a 51st state without knowing the real reasons why a moon base would be a good thing and why it becoming a 51st state would violate international law.

I could go on, Newt, but I'm one of the 99% living paycheck to paycheck who doesn't earn money from book royalties and speaker's fees. I have to get up in the morning and go to work at a real job.

So, Newt, in closing, fuck you, fuck your arrogant attitude, fuck your creepy Stepford Wife, fuck your completely idiotic policy proposals and fuck your COLOSSAL EGO.

You had your shot at leadership when you were Speaker of the House and you screwed the pooch. You don't get another chance to do the same thing on a grander scale.

Buh bye Newt!


Yours In Christ,


Xavier Onassis, Esq.

Under The Bridge...No One Can Hear You Scream

So, the other day I was under the Liberty Bend bridges over the Missouri River taking pictures for this post.

I've been under those bridges before, many times. But this time, I made the mistake of looking up. Holy fuck!

Apparently hornets REALLY, REALLY like the undersides of bridges. Here is what I saw.


Here is what it felt like.


They were EVERYWHERE!


Keep in mind, these pictures were taken under the brand new southbound span that is only 6 years old!




I admit to feeling an irrational fear that the flash from my camera would awaken an angry hoard of billions of hornets that would descend on me in a vengeful, swarming, black cloud of painful death.



I'm glad it was January. I don't know that I would want to stand there taking these pictures in August.


Even dead and empty they seem darkly threatening.



But not threatening enough to keep drunk rednecks from intentionally pissing them off with paintball rifles for their own amusement.


Fucking rednecks. Get ready for it! SQUEAL!

Ice Under The Bridge

ATTN GANGSTA POSERS

Out here in Independence, we be snitchin' like a muthafucka.

Fo' shizzle!

Butler, MO

Butler, MO has one of the most gorgeous courthouses I've ever seen





City Hall is equally impressive.



A classic Town Square.


Some impressive Civil War history.




And one hell of an unexpected surprise to someone just passing through.



I may or may not have Tebowed in the front yard.

Amoret, MO

Marais des Cygnes Road Trip

So, I woke up this morning with a 'hankerin' to go mosey down yonder'. With "down yonder" being open for discussion. This means I was itching to hit the road in my jeep with my trusty Nikon D3100 in hand and commit some photography.

I quickly decided to head down to the Marais des Cygnes Wildlife Area because I've been wanting to get some up close and personal photos of hawks, eagles and some of the snowy owls that are supposed to be in the area.

Much to my chagrin, I crossed the Black Gates into Mordor and headed down Hwy 69. I took the exit for La Cygne Lake thinking that the Marais des Cygnes Wildlife Area must be close to the Lake, right?

The first thing I noticed was that La Cygne Lake was dominated by the La Cygne Power Plant.

That seemed odd.

I headed west on the levy road past the Power Plant looking for signs for the Wildlife Area, but didn't see any. All I saw was this intriguing sign that made me thing of my friend Meesha.


When I hit the Missouri Line I knew I was on the wrong path and headed back west until I saw this sign.


OK, maybe it's down there somewhere.

So I head down a series of gravel roads and encounter what should be seasonal, La Cygne Lake camp grounds and a Marina. Should be pretty empty in January.

WRONG!

What I saw was Lovecraftian creepy.

It was what can only be described as a shanty town of every variety of camper, trailer and old, defunct RV permanently moored to utility connections with very sketchy looking mounds of duct tape, bungy cords and whatever else was available.

They clearly were no longer "mobile". Many of them had actually built additions on to their RVs.

It was on the opposite end of Lake La Cygne as the huge power plant. Very South Park.

I didn't take any pictures because I didn't want the zombie-like, nuclear-mutated gill-people to come oozing out of their pods and sacrifice me to Dagon.

But you can see a similar settlement in Midtown Miscreants post on the Mayfair Trailer Park.

They have a virtual settlement there where the Marina is the equivalent of City Hall.

Here is why.


If I'm reading that right, it's basically $15.00 for 1 year's rent and $14.00 for a full Utility hook up. No mortgage. Just a couple of minimal RV Park charges and they live lakeside all year round in their cozy RV city.

Weird!

I got the hell out of there without being turned into sacrificial Fish God bait and found the Marsais des Cygnes Wildlife Area!


Only to find that it was CLOSED!


Or so I thought. Had I bothered to go to their website, I would have seen that it was only the HQ Office that was closed. The rest of the area was open and I could have spent the afternoon there, if I wasn't such an idiot.

Oh well! It's an adventure, right? I had seen signs pointing to a Massacre Sight of some sort. Had no idea what it was. Figured it must have been Native Americans killing settlers or settlers killing Native Americans, something like that.

I was wrong. It was a much more recent Civil War massacre.



Story in a nutshell, pro slavery assholes rounded up a bunch of anti slavery folks and slaughtered them in a ditch like animals.

The State Historical sight is laid out well. On the way to the sight of the Massacre, there are placards explaining what led up to the Massacre.


The emotional heart of the site is where the pro slavery vigilantes stood and gunned down the anti slavery victims who were lined up in a ravine.


It looks like there was some sort of plaque remembering the event, but some fucktard stole it. Probably for it's weight in scrap metal.


On the way out of the site are placards recording what happened after the slaughter.


It's a very secluded site and you can feel the weight of what happened there. But what's weird are the picnic tables and benches and weenie roasting stations.

DAD: "HEY HONEY! Round up the kids! It's a beautiful day! We're going to have a PICNIC!"

WIFE: "That sounds fun! Where are we going?"

DAD: "Let's go to that place where a gang of rabid, racist, bigots mercilessly slaughtered a bunch of anti-slavery liberals in a ditch! I love that place! It's so beautiful and peaceful!

WIFE: "We'll make S'Mores!"

DAD: "I'll get the bratwurst!"