Familiarity Breeds Mediocrity

I really enjoy blogging.

I love the freedom of expression and the validation I get from fellow bloggers who read what I write and leave encouraging comments. It makes me feel like I'm part of a creative community and that's pretty fucking cool.

I've even met some of you in person, exchanged personal e-mails outside of the blogs and gotten to know a bit more about you as real people.

But this newfound intimacy with my blogfriends is hampering my ranting. Seriously.

For instance, I know that one of my regular readers is a Mormon; so I feel skiddish about bagging on Mormons because I really like and respect her and I don't want to alienate her. But there is so much rich material to mine. I'm like a kid peeking through the windows of a closed candy store, wishing I could get in there.

Another regular reader is a Teamster, so I'm hesitant to rant about my hatred of 18 wheelers and how the inconsiderate drivers thereof bog down traffic while taking up both fucking lanes and take 5 hours to get from a dead stop up to highway speed. My daily road rage at 18 wheelers, if properly harnessed, could power a major city for hours.

I have a visitor who is a cyclist, so I no longer want to go off on spandex-clad slow pokes who think they are entitled to just as much space and consideration as the 18 wheelers.

Some of my readers are attorneys. Ah, fuck 'em. I'll still tell lawyer jokes. Not like they haven't heard any before, right? Fucking lawyers!

I have Republicans who read my blog. REPUBLICANS!! And they are not the stereotypical, mindless drones that I see all around me. They are thoughtful, moderate, intelligent people. So I feel bad about taking the easy route and just painting all of them with a broad brush.

To summarize, the more I get to know my readers, the more sensative I am to their hot buttons. Which makes me more sympathetic to their points of view. Which makes me more cautious about what I post because I like my new friends and don't want to be a dick and drive them off with my insensitivity.

If I continue down this touchy-feely path, my average post will consist of "How about this weather?" or "Go Chiefs!" or "I like biscuits. Do you?" In which case everyone will get bored and just stop reading.

On the other hand, if I continue saying whatever the fuck crosses my mind, I will eventually offend enough people and push enough buttons that no one will want to read me because I've offended everybody. I will become a blog-pariah and no one will come here any more.

So, I need your votes.

Do I be nice to my new friends (who I hope will become real live people friends and not just on-line blog friends) by respecting their sensitivities?

Or, do I remain true to the original content that drew people here in the first place, say whatever the fuck I want to say about whatever I want and let the chips fall where they may?

Lohan Addicted To OxyContin, Father Claims

OK, I apologize up front for even bothering to mention this tedious crap. I won't even pollute your vision with poached photos or tempt you with links. Much like your first time having sex, I swear it will be over soon and you won't feel TOO dirty. I'll call you tomorrow. I promise.

"Lindsay Lohan's estranged father says she suffers from multiple addictions, including alcohol and the painkiller OxyContin, the Web site E! Online reported Wednesday...

...Michael Lohan was released from a New York state prison in March after serving almost two years for driving while intoxicated and other charges."

It's like I've always said, "Follow an ugly kid home and who will you see opening the door? Ugly parents!!"

Okay, so daddy wasn't able to monitor and correct his daughter's behavior because he was in jail for the exact same behavior. Fine. The nut doesn't fall far from the nut tree.

But where THE FUCK was MOMMY? How does an incredibly famous 20 year old have enough access to enough hooch and oxy to get addicted to both? Where was mama? Off spending her allowance from her daughter? Too afraid of getting her income interrupted to intervene in her daughters destructive behavior? Why aren't the police shutting down the clubs that served a minor? It's not like they don't have any fucking evidence! Every move she makes, every where she goes is photo-documented for posterity.

Close down and revoke the business license of every club she's ever been spotted in.

Throw her mom in jail for contributing to the delinquency of a minor and parental negligence.

Keep her dad in jail just because. Sounds like he's probably a dick.

If this was some 20 year old, repeat offending, bar hopping, alcoholic, meth-head from Raytown? No way she'd be getting this sort of special treatment.

The police in LA are very hesitant to go anywhere near a Lindsey Lohan or a Paris Hilton. Have to tread very carefully. Make sure you have all of your facts and a clear direction and support from your superiors before even suggest that you might be thinking about taking any action.

But let a latino or african-american on the street so much as reach for their wallet without permission and they will be have more holes in them than a screen door.

That's some bullshit. I think there is something in the Constitution about equal protection under the law. Either give everyone the same benefit of the doubt and consideration that you give to Paris, Lindsey and Brittney, or throw their skanky asses in jail and teach them the error of their ways.

I'm just sayin'. I hate this double-standard bullshit.

More Found Gervais Goodness!

STOP!!!

Stop whatever you are doing! Right now! And go check out this blog:

And then I said..

This guy is one of the most talented writers I've had the pleasure of reading, in print or on-line.

"Katy waits tables in a dark and eccentrically decorated Tex Mex restaurant just north of my home in a somewhat sad and dying retail oasis. The restaurant shares a parking lot with a farm implement, a fabric outlet store, an abandoned building or two and a Big Lots franchise. If you're not familiar with Big Lots, try to think of dank pit so skanky that even WelpMorque greeters won't shop there. (There's obviously no such place as WelpMorque but you're clever folk. I'm not allowed to mention the name of the nation's largest shit vending, bottom scraping, small business suffocating, local economy crushing juggernaut of a chain store in writing. Something about lawsuits, my job, contempt of court, total annihilation and other details that interest you little)."

Here is another inticing tidbit.

"As I turned to catch the spindle of discs I clipped my glass of boring American beer and sent a sticky wave flying toward Winnie, my curious and ever-present golden retriever who had been sleeping under my desk while I worked but who was very much awake and startled by this point. A glass of beer washing over her feet at the precise moment that a spindle of 50 DVDs, a bamboo blind and a fucking retarded cat crashed to the floor proved too much for the poor old hound. Winnie jolted and made contact with the leg of the folding table that I've annexed to grow my working space. The movement of the table was sufficient enough to cause one of my lamps to fall to the concrete floor shattering its light bulb and scaring the funk right out of Winnie's stank gland and in to the night for all to absorb."

That's all I'm givin' ya. Go to his blog and get the rest. You won't be sorry.

God is AMAZING!!

Okay, I first saw this over at Hoochi-Mama's site and just blatantly poached it.

It's that damned good!

It's about 10 minutes long. What? You can't spare 10 minutes to laugh your ass off?

The Attack Of The Brainless Bush Zombies!!!

Okay. Being nice for a day was fun, but I'm all done now.

I was over slumming at The Kansas City Star's "Unfettered Letters" section today. It's a pretty inbred bunch over there. Same voices, same viewpoints, blah, blah blah. A bunch of people who are in love with the sound of their fingers hitting the keyboard and the illusion they are being "journalists" because it's The Star's Web Site.

Thank God I'm not a cheap attention whore like Those People!!

The published letter was titled "Nothing to do with 9/11" and predictable comments ensued.

One neo-con nimrod (BuddyT) decided to take it upon himself to summarize the viewpoints of Liberals (which he so eloquently and originally labeled as "kookdom") thusly:

"Here are their core beliefs: the war sucks, Bush sucks, America sucks, and lets leave Iraq and let the peacful natives develop a whold new "shangrila-ti-da.." Gag me with a rainbow...."

Seems to me like there should have been a "GET 'R DONE!" in there somewhere. Perhaps he forgot.

In any event, let me return the favor by summarizing the core beliefs of our neo-con, right-wing, philosophical opposites.

Tenet 1: God Almighty, The One And Only TRUE God, The Protestant Christian God, loves America. That's why He created America. He wants the whole world to be just like America. He wants America to take over the world and create a Christian Theocracy with The President Of The United States as the infallible Pope-like leader. He's getting tired of us pussy-footing around about that by trying to do good and lead by example. It's time to start kicking ass and taking names!

Tenet 2: Because America is God's Own Country, we can do no wrong. Whatever America does is inherently good and right. Because we're "The Good Guys". Just like in a John Wayne movie. Our motivations are always pure and our hands are always clean.

Tenet 3: As the leader of America, The (Republican, not Democratic) President is above reproach or criticism. Any thing The (Republican, not Democratic) President does is legal, moral and right. Because he's The (Republican, not Democratic) President and The Office Of The President (as long as it is held by a Republican, not a Democrat) is a Sacred Commission from God Almighty.

Tenet 4: Anyone who disagrees with the previous Holy Tenets, or dares in anyway to blaspheme against The President by criticizing Him in any way shape or form, is a godless, baby-eating, Satanist who hates America, who wants The Terrorists (run screaming) to win, and who, by simply asking a question or casting a shred of doubt, has dipped their filthy hands into the Heroic Blood of Our Brave Fighting Soldiers.

Oh, and, not sure if this is an actual "Tenet" or just a "given", but "The Clintons (all of them, including Chelsea) were created and sent here by Satan Himself to destroy everything good and Holy about America."

That pretty much plumbs the depths of their intellectual Mariana Trench.

Anyone who dares to go beyond those boundries is an Intellectual Elitist.

If I missed anything or painted with a too-broad brush, I'm sure someone will point it out.

Honoring Those Who Served

“It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle.” - Norman Schwarzkopf"

No politics today. No angry rants.

Instead I offer quiet, heartfelt, gratitude and respect.

I am in absolute awe of our children. I call them children because from a distance of half a century, so they seem. So young, with so much energy, exuding such passion, so much promise, so full of life.

And yet, they are willing to put all of that at risk, to lay their very lives on the line for America.

For us.


They have been doing that since the Revolutionary War and they continue to do it today. It doesn't matter who sent them into battle or why.

It is the fact that they are willing to go for a cause.

I think the reason we call on our young to serve in the military is because they are still able to Believe. They haven't had time to become cynical. They are still capable of wrapping their hearts around lofty principles.


Having come of age at the tail end of Vietnam, I remember the draft very well. When I look at our military today, I sometimes have to pinch myself and remember that this is an all volunteer military. Every single man and woman in uniform is there because it's what they believe in and it's what they want to do. They feel that it is their Honor and their Duty, to Serve.

To Serve America.

To Serve us.

And every one of them is someone's son or daughter.


I try to be a good man. I care for those close to me, I offer such help as I can, where I can to those in need, I try to be true to what I believe and I try (and generally fail) to not be guilty of hypocrisy, hubris or cruelty. But I never have, and never will, accomplish anything in my life that is worth the sacrifice of a single American soldier.


But they do it anyway.

Because they Believe.

They Believe it is their Honor and their Duty to Serve America. To Serve and Protect us. You. Me.

On this Memorial Day I just want to offer a very humble and heartfelt thank you from a most unworthy and undeserving citizen to every man and woman who has ever donned the uniform and served their country.

To those who have given the Ultimate Sacrifice, and their families, I have no words. There are no words worthy. All I have to give, is my heart

Good God Almighty!

This is like some pre-historic, Ice Age fucking pig!

"An 11-year-old boy used a pistol to kill a wild hog his father says weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9 feet 4, from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail.

Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone and two guides in east Alabama on May 3 when he bagged Monster Pig.

He said he shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.

I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

Ya think?

"The hog's head is being mounted by Jerry Cunningham of Jerry's Taxidermy. Cunningham said the animal measured 54 inches around the head, 74 inches around the shoulders and 11 inches from the eyes to the end of its snout.

"It's huge," he said. "It's just the biggest thing I've ever seen."

Mike Stone is having sausage made from the rest of the animal. "We'll probably get 500 to 700 pounds," he said."

Damn!

The size of the pig aside, I cannot imagine teaching a 5 year old to kill or handing an 11 year old boy a .50 caliber pistol and watching him shoot a half-ton pig eight times an then spend 3 hours chasing it through the woods to kill it and turn it into sausage.

That is definitely not the way I would want to raise any son of mine.

Guess I'm just not cut out to raise and train the next generation of blood-thirsty, white, Alabama trailer trash.

More Blatant Bullshit!

"Hancock's father files suit
Restaurant, towing company, stalled car driver sued"



This is in reference to Josh Hancock, the St. Louis Cardinals pitcher who was killed in an auto accident on April 29, 2007.

I will attempt to take the high road by acknowledging that I have not had to deal with the death of a child. So I can't claim to know what that is like. It could, quite likely, lead to all sorts of irrational behaviours and make you vulnerable to the lowest, scum-sucking vermin (lawyers) on the planet.

However. These are the facts.

"ST. LOUIS (AP) -- The father of Josh Hancock filed suit Thursday, claiming a restaurant provided drinks to the St. Louis Cardinals relief pitcher even though he was intoxicated prior to the crash that killed him.

The suit, filed in St. Louis Circuit Court by Dean Hancock of Tupelo, Miss., does not specify damages. Mike Shannon's Restaurant, owned by the longtime Cardinals broadcaster who starred on three World Series teams in the 1960s, is a defendant in the case along with Shannon's daughter, Patricia Shannon Van Matre, the restaurant manager.

Authorities said the 29-year pitcher had a blood content of nearly twice the legal limit for alcohol in his system when he crashed into the back of the tow truck. He was also speeding, using a cell phone and wasn't wearing a seat belt, Police Chief Joe Mokwa said after the accident. Marijuana also was found in the SUV."

Case fucking closed. No one was at fault except for Josh Hancock. Defendant pronounced guilty of driving like someone from Johnson County.

NEXT!

Bush: If Iraq Says Leave, "We Would Leave."

Oh, I'm sure! I've got 20 bucks says they "ask us to leave" before the General Election. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone? Hello!

But this quote just gags me:

"We are there at the invitation of the Iraqi government. This is a sovereign nation."

Okey dokey! I'm pretty sure that Iraq was, by all international and legal definitions a "sovereign nation" before we got there. If The Pentagon can release al Qaeda torture manuals to The Smoking Gun, maybe they wouldn't mind releasing that letter from Saddam to Dubya where he said

"You know buddy, I'm really getting sick of this shit. It's all become too easy. No one in my country dares to even speak ill of me, let alone try to over throw me. The jihadi's won't come near me because they know I"ll fuck them up. My neighbors are all scared of me. Your sanctions and No-Fly Zones have me locked down like a prison-bitch. Even the Kurds are just sitting on their Turkish asses waiting for me to die. I'm fucking bored! My boys are assholes, and I don't want to leave them shit.

So I'm wondering if you could do me a little favor. You know for old times sake (remember the Iran/Iraq War? Those were some good times! Memories!) I was wondering (if it wouldn't be too much trouble) if you could come in here and really stir some shit up! You know, I'm talking Shock and Awe! Bomb the fuck out of everything in sight, destroy the infrastructure, put everyone out of work, terrorize my people, lock them up and torture them without any semblance of Due Process, set up bases in my old palaces, kill my sons and hang me. If you wouldn't mind doing that for me, I think it would really mix things up and create some excitement.

Once you get here, you can stay as long as you want. Make yourselves at home.

I know you have to run all this by Cheney and Rumsfeld, but get back to me ASAP and let me know if you can help me out. Love you bro.

Peace!


SH"

I'd love to see that invitation.

Apollo 11

I've always been heavily into The Space Program. I was born in 1955 when the only thing orbiting the earth was the moon.

Growing up watching macho test pilots like Alan Shepard, Gus Grissom, John Glenn, Scott Carpenter, Wally Schirra and Gordon Cooper put on Buck-Rodgers-Silver-Popular-Science space suits, strap themselves into a modified-life-support-warhead on top of a Cold War Nuclear Missle and blast themselves into space not knowing what would happen...Good God.



That is some legendary shit!



It was like American Idol. Seven Astronauts! Who would be the first? Who would be chosen for the sub-orbital flights? Who would be chosen to match Yuri Gagarin and be the first American to orbit the earth?



We didn't know until NASA announced it on Launch Day! And it all took place live, on TV within a matter of a few minutes or a few hours. Live or die. Success or defeat. We'll know in 15 minutes. I watched Alan Shepard blast off into space at home on my black and white TV. Then I had to walk to school and wait to find out if he lived or died. Heavy drama!

So fast forward to 1981. The shuttle program is gearing up and I am looking for inside information. I call NASA HQ in Washington and get put in touch with this Media Liason guy. He starts sending me all of this really cool, insider NASA stuff that is normally reserved for actual Network Reporters. Press Kits, Mission Patches, Mission Reports, Technical Briefings, Video tapes...lots and lots of video tapes. This is SO COOL! I'm a 26 year old space cadet and I have an inside contact at NASA!

Fast forward again to 1989. I married my first wife in 1987 and in 1988, she gets promoted and we move to NJ. Sucks to be me on both counts. I'm miserable.

But, it is 1989. The 20th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 Moon Landing.



My buddy at NASA finagles me an invitation to the 20th Anniversary Celebration at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum as his guest. FUCKING AWESOME! This is the dream of a lifetime.



This is a lavishly catered affair. I have no idea what most of the dishes are, but I plate them graciously and taste them discreetly.

I'm rubbing elbows with some of history's heavyweights! I remember munching an appetizer and sipping a drink and realizing that I was just 2 feet away from Alexei Leonov!



The Soviet Cosmonaut who was the first human being to venture outside his spacecraft. The first spacewalker. MY GOD!



I was really trying to be all cool and nonchalant. Didn't want to burst into fan-geek mode and embarass everybody. Wanted to conduct myself as if I actually belonged there (NOT!).

So, the evening went fairly well. I got to see and meet a lot of space program pioneers from many the U.S. and The Soviet Union without making a total ass of myself.

The evening was winding down and I was standing outside the main entrance of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, having a smoke and a chat with a security guard.

The door opens and out walks Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. Buzz is surrounded by an enterouge and they all head towards a fleet of limos at the curb.

Neil Armstrong quietly, with no one in tow, walks to the corner, waits alone for the light to turn green, and then heads back to his hotel a few blocks away.

Being an incredible space-nerd, I want to sieze this opportunity to chase him down and get his autograph! It's perfect! He's alone and I have actually come prepared with writing utensils and memorabilgia.

But as I watched him walk away, I'm thinking; 'There goes the first man to set foot on the moon. He's leaving the party (in his honor, at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum) early. Twenty years ago tonight, he became the first human being to set foot on someplace other than the earth. Maybe he would like to spend some time alone."

So I let him go. I've never regretted that decision.

In searching for pictures for this post, I tried to find ones that you may have not seen before.

Here is an informal crew photo:



Relaxing around the spacecraft:



The Saturn V launch vehicle on the crawler as seen from ground level:



The Saturn V launch vehicle as seen from the top of the gantry:



Climbing towards orbit:




I wanna take you HIGHER!



The First Step

http://www.blogjam.com/neil_armstrong/

Bush uses bin Laden to defend Iraq war policy

Gotta call bullshit on the POTUS! And, I apologize in advance for e-yelling, but here goes.

"Osama bin Laden calls the struggle in Iraq a 'war of destiny.' He proclaimed 'the war is for you or for us to win. If we win it, it means your defeat and disgrace forever,'" Bush said. Al-Qaida sees victory in Iraq as a religious and strategic imperative, Bush said. Their stated goal is to "turn Iraq into a base from which to overthrow moderate governments in the region, impose their hateful ideology on millions, and launch new attacks on America and other nations.

Ahead of the speech, the White House declassified intelligence asserting that bin Laden in 2005 ordered the creation of a terrorist unit to hit targets outside Iraq, including the United States.

Part of the declassified intelligence included information that bin Laden tasked Abu Musab al-Zarqawi with forming a cell to conduct such attacks outside Iraq, especially aimed at the United States, Bush said.

"Zarqawi welcomed this direction and claimed that he had already come up with some good proposals," Bush said."

Let me make this CRYSTAL, FUCKING, CLEAR. If this "intelligence" is even correct (which I SERIOUSLY doubt, considering the source), the directive from bin Laden came in 2005! That was long after we had invaded Iraq, fucked everything up beyond all recognition and created total chaos in the country. Osama would NEVER have concieved of any such thing as long as Saddam was in power. Because Saddam would have cut off his balls and had him ass-raped by a camel.

The only reason that Iraq could possibly become a haven for terrorist cells is because we went in there, tore everything up, and created a huge, sucking, power vacuum that every radical ideaology in the region is trying to rush in and fill before someone else beats them to it!

THERE IS NO FUCKING CONNECTION, NONE, ZERO, ZIP, NADA, BETWEEN IRAQ AND 9/11.

The 9/11 terrorists came from Saudi Arabia and they trained in Afghanistan. No connection to Iraq whatsoever. Saddam Hussein didn't tolerate dissidents of ANY kind in Iraq. He was a secularist Muslim. No fucking way in Hell he would tolerate or provide any support to a radical, fundamentalist, jihadi, terrorist like Osama! Never ever!

So trying to justify the war in Iraq by trotting out the very opportunity for terrorist activity in Iraq that Dubya created in the first place due to his personal vendetta, a hidden agenda, a faith-based foreign policy, trumped up and doctored "intelligence", and flat-out, blatant LIES to the American people is an insult to the 3,000+ brave men and women that this fucking retarded chimpanzee shoved into a meat grinder when he was too fucking cowardly to go to Vietnam when he had the chance.



He makes me want to puke.

The conservatives LOVE to trot out Hanoi Jane or John Kerry's testimony about atrocities in Vietnam as criticism of The Evil Liberals.

But at least they were trying to end a war and save American lives. Dubya and his administration are trying to create a PermaWar that will kill more of our sons and daughters than all of the previous wars combined. They don't care. "Whatever it takes".

And it is all based on lies.

The Worst Fucking Job - EVER!

I don't know why the audio is so fucked up on the YouTube versions of this. I have a much cleaner audio track version if anyone wants one.

Lyle Lovett & k.d. lang - July 6, 2007 8:00 pm

If this show were at the Uptown instead of Starlight, I'd give my right nut for tickets.

But there is NOTHING about sitting in an outdoor sauna in July in Swope Park, sweating like a Tijuana whore in church while worrying about my car stereo getting jacked in the parking lot that sounds in the least bit appealing.

Put this show in an air conditioned venue with waitresses and secure parking...I'm there baby!

I can only imagine how awesome these two butt-ugly, angel-voiced performers will be together. They both share common talents; an absolutely Swiss-like precision in the control of their voices while retaining the deepest, emotional, passion that makes any song they sing come alive like you've never heard it before.

Here is a sample of what I mean:





I hope they push a high-def, surround-sound DVD after the tour. That's more my speed.

Gandhi

No, this is not a deep, philosophical and political dive into the subjects of Empire, passive resistance and rebellion.

It is SO much shallower than that.

I was sitting on my fat ass eating tacos on my leather sofa, flipping around the cable channels with my universal remote when I just happened to stop on "Gandhi" with Ben Kingsley.

I've seen it before, so I didn't need to watch the whole thing (72 hours? Is that right?). But DAMN! What a great movie! Ben Kingsley IS Gandhi.



















like Forest Whitaker channeled Idi Amin












and Helen Mirren inhabited The Queen.



Sometimes, an actor, a script and a role just mesh like it was destiny and it becomes impossible to unentangle them.

I'm still waiting for my shot at Lex Luthor.

Cliff Notes Post

Good weekend:

Helped the GF spend $6000.00 on new dining room and bedroom furniture. NFM.

Mowed lawn, planted 6 tomatos, 1 watermelon, 1 cucumber.

Bought much meat and sundry items. Saved $23.75 with my Price Chopper card.

Stocked freezer.

Did laundry.

Cleaned kitchen.

Purged fridge and pantry of expired and questionable items.

Sprayed for little bitty spring-time ants.

Ironed slacks for next week.

Shaved head.

Changed bed linen.

Made blog post.

Fuck, I'm exhausted.

Living Life

In my post about Mormons I got a lot of comments about my emphasizing that they don't drink coffee or alcohol, don't smoke, etc.

Most of the commentors pointed out what a good and healthy thing that was.

It reminded me of this conversation that a friend of mine recently shared with me:

"I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why the fuck do you care?"

Help!

Most of you have been doing this longer than me and have a lot more experience and expertise.

I'm just a simple caveman, with simple caveman ways.



I need a way to backup and safely archive all of my posts. I'd like to create a searchable archive so that when I have some brilliant flash of inspiration, I can do a search and make sure I'm not being Uncle Stanley at Thanksgiving telling the same "funny" story that he's told every fucking year since I was 6.

I also want a backup just because. Other than going into each and every post and ccpying and pasting the whole thing (comments included) into word and saving on my hard drive...is there a smarter and easier way?

If it's a WHOLE lot smarter and ridiculously easier, please word your response so that I don't feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

Because I'm sensative like that.

Yet another slippery slope to Hell for XO

This started off as a comment on a friends blog-post about how religions have morphed and evolved. It was an outgrowth of the whole Jerry Falwell / divisionist / right-wing / conservative / homo-phobic / repressionist diatribe that has been sucking up blogosphere bandwidth (including mine) for the past few days.

As is all too typical for those of us who lean towards excessive verbosity, my comment evolved into a post in it's own right. Which I am presenting here.

I want to apologize up front to one particular blogger (who knows who she is) who I'm sure will (justifiably) take exception to this post. I'm not attacking (even though it will really, really sound that way), just sharing my personal observations and research about a faith that I don't consider to be as mainstream as they would lead people to believe.

I don't mean to pick on the Mormons, but my ex-step-son and his family were Mormon so I researched it in an effort to understand and...OMG! They are more bizarre than I ever dreamed.

We all know about the polygamy thing. If you don't, go watch Big Love on HBO. Great show! Harry Dean Stanton is awesome!

We all know that they don't consume caffiene, or alcohol, or tobacco, or God knows what else. That's why they are in such a hurry to get to heaven. There is nothing enjoyable about being alive on earth. Plus, their ward members are in their business 24/7 so there is no opportunity to think, question or doubt.

The geneaology thing is more controversial than people realize. I admit to availing myself of their massive archives during my 11 years of geneaology research. It is an unbelievably comprehensive collection. If you are interested in your family history, they are the WalMart that you can't avoid shopping at.

But.

The reason they are so interested in searching for ancestors is so they can convert them to Mormonism in the afterlife. That's right. Your entire family has been "Free Will Baptist", Catholic or even Jewish for 200 or 2000+ years. One modern family member becomes Mormon and he takes all of those ancestral records to a Mormon Temple and has them all converted to Mormonism so that they can all spend Eternity together in Mormon Heaven.



They also expect Mormons to conduct at least one Haj-like pilgrimage to a Mormon Temple to consecrate and seal their family.

I don't know about you, but spending Eternity locked into a foreign Heaven with every distant cousin I never knew existed listening to them beg me to co-sign on a harp or lend them my angelic wings "just until I get myself situated" is my idea of pure Hell.

"They have an additional scripture called the Book of Mormon that explains that Jesus visited America (in ancient times) and describe what he did while he was here"

Uh huh. They do indeed. Google "Adam-ondi-Ahman". Apparently, this is where Adam and Eve were exiled to when they were booted out of The Garden of Eden. Where is Adam-ondi-Ahman, you ask? Just north of Gallatin, MO. in Daviess County on the bluffs of the Grand River. Jesus came to visit them there. Even though Jesus wasn't born until 4000 years after Adam and Eve according to strict, evangelical timelines. They can show you the sacred altar (big rock slab) where Jesus and Adam prayed together.

Okey Dokey!

Plus, I can understand how the Jews could lose the Ten Commandments carved on stone tablets by The Hand Of God over the course of, what? Four thousand years? I mean, you move, you wander in the desert, stuff gets packed and unpacked, there are wars and famines and plagues, temples get built, temples get sacked...it's happened to us all. Right?

But copper sheets from an angel only a couple of hundred years old? I mean, we have the parchment (sheep skin) originals of the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution older than that!



How do you lose angelic copper plates? Where are they? Wouldn't that make a pretty compelling argument on those door to door missionary pilgramages?



"Hey! Look at these! Copper sheets with angel-writing! Pretty cool, huh? Wanna join our church?"

I'm just sayin'.

The Inherent Evil of Absolute Truth

DISCLAIMER: I don't really buy into the concepts of "GOOD" or "EVIL". I think they bring supernatural beliefs into the concepts of "RIGHT" and "WRONG", which I do believe in very strongly.

Jerry Falwell was one of those self-important, self-righteous, pompous asses who decided that they needed to dictate to the rest of the world what was and was not going to be allowed and worked through lobbyists and right-wing, zealot politicians to achieve their political goals.

There is an absolute, direct, chain of responsibility starting with Jerry Falwell, running through Pat Robertson, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, Jimmy Swaggert, the election of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, Oliver North/Iran-Contra, the election of George W. Bush and the ascendancy of people like Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, the War in Iraq and the deaths of over 3,000 American soldiers.

That is why many on the right and in the Republican party are extolling his virtues while being carefull to do it from a distance.

Falwell liked to preach about Absolute, Eternal Truths.

I have a real fucking problem with that.

Once you announce that you Know THE TRUTH, that means that anyone who disagrees with you is automagically WRONG!

Let me repeat, I have a real fucking problem with that.

Nothing in this life, absolutely NOTHING, is that absolute. Only people looking for an easy life devoid of any critical analysis or thought, only people who are content to be told what is true because they are too intellectually lazy to make their own decisions are content with such a lame-ass philisophical framework.

"Good" is always you and people who think like you.

"Evil" is always "everybody else".

It doesn't work that way.

Everyone wants to think that they are the good guys. The terrorists planting IEDs and killing Americans don't think they are "evil-doers" working for Satan. They think they are good guys fighting for Allah. They think WE are the bad guys.

The radical Muslims are so sure that they are right that they will not tolerate any opposing views. Sharia Law, the most fundemental Muslim point of view, extracts harsh penalties for the slightest wavering doubt.

Fundementalist Christians are no different. Go watch Jesus Camp.

The concepts of Good and Evil are not absolute. They depend on your perspective, your education, your indoctrination, your culture, your experience and your world view.

So when anyone tells me that they have an absolute LOCK on The Truth and that anyone who disagrees with them is not only wrong, but also EVIL...the bullshit flags start waving like a motherfucker.

I got no patience with people wearing idealogical blinders, unable to accept different points of view.

Good luck, Jerry. I hope for your sake that you were right. Because if you weren't...man! Sucks to be you.

Any chance Lucifer can put a bit of cooling, soothing, medicating lube on that flaming ass-fork?

Maybe you should pray for that. Let us all know how that works out for you.

OK, I'm gonna do it - Part 2

A lot of "technical terms" were thrown around earlier.

Words like "geek" and "dork".

Well, it takes one to know one.



Guilty as charged.

Menstrual Humor

When was the last time you used those two words in the same sentence?

And lived?

I was talking to the GF tonight. She is just coming off a really bad "visit". She came up with the idea that periods should have a rating scale like tornados or hurricanes.

Anything above an F5 period gets a name. Period Andrea. Period Gail.

"Remember Period Beulah back in March of '97? The one that keyed your truck and set fire to all your clothes? That was a bad one."

I remember attending a church service years ago where the pastor was driving home the point that the Bible has anticipated everything. No matter what trouble or difficulty you might be facing in your daily life, the Bible had a relevant reference.

A man in the back of the church stood up and meekly asked, "What about PMS Reverend? What does the Bible have to say about that?"

The Reverend thought for a minute, consulted his concordance, flipped through his annotated scripture and finally said "I have it Brother! And the Bible says, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

OK, I'm gonna do it.

I've been threatening to do this for a long time.

Now, I'm gonna do it.

The date is Friday, May 25th. I have that day off, but the gf doesn't. I have no specific plans...just wanted to turn Memorial Day (or is it Labor Day...I can never remember) into a four day weekend.

So on that day, I am going to watch the Special,Extended, DVD Editions of...

The Fellowship of the Rings; three and a half hours,

The Two Towers; three hours and forty five minutes,

and The Return of the King; four hours and fifteen minutes,


back to back in one sitting on my 46" Toshiba, high definition, DLP projection screen in full Dolby Surround Sound.

That will amount to about eleven and a half hours of actual screen time. That's not including potty breaks, fixing food, stretching and posting updates on this site.

I optomistically plan to start at 9am and finish at 10:30pm. That is thirteen and a half hours total. An extra couple of hours for sanity breaks.

I'm tempted to extend a tentative invitation to fellow Tolkien fans to join me for this marathon.

But I'm not sure I want to spend 12+ hours with anyone geeky enough to do what I plan to do.

However, if this is something that sounds appealing to you, I'm willing to consider the possibility.

Post a comment explaining why:

A) You would want to spend over 12 hours watching three movies with someone you don't know.
B) Why that's not weird.
C) How you could possibly keep from annoying me and pissing me off for such an extended period of time.
D) What delectible goodies you would bring.
E) Why you won't be embarassed when I post a picture of you on my blog sitting on my couch holding a bucket of popcorn and wearing the Helm of King Elendil.



Yes, I actually own one.



This should be interesting.